How-to Co-Parent Over the Holidays

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

The holidays are supposed to be a joyous time of year, filled with family, food and cheer. However, in plenty of cases, this is not the situation. Many find the holidays to be stressful, chaotic, and often painful. Some have lost loved ones, and families may be split apart. The holidays can be a real time of conflict. So how do we deal with our ex-partner and all of these pressures as you are trying to coordinate the holidays? It takes a lot of coordination to make sure each parent gets their time with the children, while still making everyone happy and ensuring everyone gets to see them. While it may seem challenging, it is possible to co-parent over the holidays.

How-to Co-Parent Over the Holidays: Working Out the Arrangements

Be Realistic

When you have to co-parent over the holidays, have realistic expectations. Unless you want to spend the holidays with your ex, you can not expect that you will always get to have your kids with you on the exact holidays. Remember that December 24 and 25 are just dates, and that you can still have a wonderful time even if you have to celebrate a little before or after. Also, you will have to keep in mind that you may not be able to have your kids visit with every single relative for the holidays. It is much more important for your children to be able to share the holidays with their other parent than see a far distant relative. If you go ahead and have reasonable expectations set, you will enjoy the season much more.

Traditions

It is no secret that traditions help make the season special. Children often have fond memories of family traditions they enjoyed. Keep in mind that a divorce does not mean that all of the fun traditions have to be over. Some family traditions may be too painful to continue. Be mindful of this, and only do what is appropriate for your situation and your family. Additionally, you should also create new traditions that are fun for everyone to enjoy. It is okay for you to hold onto some old traditions and create new ones when you have to co-parent over the holidays.

Communication

Whatever you do, communicate with the other parent before making or changing plans. Do you best to come up with a schedule to spend time with the kids, whether together or separate. Things can get more complicated if there are misunderstandings or miscommunications. Try to come up with a reasonable schedule for the holidays. Then, present it to your ex as soon as possible. Work through this to make sure this setup works best for both of you.

How-to Decide if You Should Date a Divorcee

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Statistics say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That means there are going to be quite a few divorcees out there. When you are on the dating scene, you are likely to encounter several, or many, divorcees. There are going to be different pros and cons that come with dating someone who has been divorced before. Here are some things to consider if you are trying to decide if you should date a divorcee.

How-to Decide if You Should Date a Divorcee: Choosing a Relationship

Commitment

Divorcees have already made a commitment to marriage (at least) once already. This likely means that they will have a clearer mindset about the reality of marriage and the problems that can arise. Due to this, they may be slower to make another commitment again. However, know that once they do make a commitment, they are more likely to stick with it. They will not want to go through the pain of another separation again. This is all good to know if you are going to date a divorcee.

They will have experienced what worked and what did not work in a relationship. They will also have experienced a wedding, marriage, and end of a marriage. Through all of the highs and lows of this process, they will have learned a lot about themselves and what is important to them. This may have made them more well-rounded as a person. This experience is invaluable when forming a new relationship. However, these experiences could also make a divorcee bitter as well.

Family Ties

It is also good to consider the family ties that come along with a divorcee. There will always be a tie, in some way or another, with an ex. This same thing is true if this person has children. No matter the age of the children, or whether or not they live with their parent or not, the kids will come as part of the package. When children are involved, your partner will likely have to have contact with their ex. This can especially be difficult when a new relationship is developing.

If you are going to date a divorcee, you will have to honestly ask yourself if you are able to accept these family ties. Know that your partner may take a while to introduce you to his or her children. This is nothing against you, it is just protecting the children’s feelings and emotions. If this relationship turns into marriage, you will need be comfortable that you will become a stepparent. Depending on the situation, this could be a really amazing or challenging transition.

How-to Prepare for the Holidays as a Single Parent

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
The holiday season is just around the corner. This is a time for food, festivities and family. However, for some people, this may be a season of firsts as well. Anyone who has just gone through a divorce may be feeling the dread of going through the holidays alone. This may be your first year preparing for the holidays as a single parent. While the season may feel a bit different, you can still make it special.

How-to Prepare for the Holidays as a Single Parent: Creating New Traditions

Plans with Ex

If you are recently divorced and trying to figure out the holidays as a single parent, know that you will need to discuss and coordinate with your ex. This includes visits as well as gift giving. You want to make sure you are not overlapping one another’s gifts, and that each parent is on the same page. Do not try and outdo your ex with lavish, expensive gifts. If the roles are reversed and your ex is giving over the top gifts that are out of your budget, do not throw your kids into the middle of an argument. Instead, you can give your kids the precious gift of time. If your kids will be with your ex, do not show anger when they go off with their other parent. Do not make them feel guilty or conflicted. Let them know you will look forward to celebrating with them when they get back and tell them to have a great time!

New Traditions

Since the holidays will look different the first year you celebrate the holidays as a single parent, try and create new, fun traditions. However, do not forget your old traditions too, as long as they fit your your new situation. You can do this whether you have young children or adult children. If this will be your first year alone without your ex or your kids, make other plans for your celebrations. Spend time with your extended family, friends, or other single parents who may also be alone. Also, remember that there is not a rule that a holiday must only be celebrated exclusively on one certain day. An early, or delayed, celebration with friends and family just gives you an extended holiday season, and can be just as special too. Celebrating the holidays as a single parent for the first time may be a challenge. However, you will be able to get through it successfully. Enjoy old traditions if they are not too painful or no longer fit your family, and create new traditions too. Be considerate of your kids and their other parent, and keep any anger or disagreements to yourself for the sake of your kids. Remember, this will be a new way to celebrate the holidays for them too.

How-to Define Your Identity After Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

During the separation period, or even after the divorce, you may feel like you do not even know who you are anymore. You likely defined yourself as being a husband or a wife, and part of a unit, but now you just feel alone. However, you do not need to feel this way. While it may be a confusing time of trying to find yourself, take these steps to help define your identity after divorce.

How-to Define Your Identity After Divorce: Finding Yourself

Be Yourself

It is important to remember that before you were married and considered to be a part of a couple, you were just simply you. With that in mind, you were still you during your marriage. That does not change after divorce either. The things that made you special, still make you special. You are not defined by your martial status, or who you are (or are not) married to. Try and dig deep and remember the things that make you tick. What activities you like, what brings you joy, what makes you sad.

So many people lose themselves in a relationship. While it is good to work towards having things in common with your spouse, you do not want to become your spouse. However, even if you fell into this trap, you can still find yourself again. Start by journaling your feelings, interests and dislikes. Really explore these thoughts, and start to remember who you are. This is a great first step in defining your identity after divorce.

Change is Okay

In the same way, know that it is okay that if you find you have changed over time. You enjoyed certain things before you ever got married. However, that does not mean that you have love the same things when you are single again. You have grown up, and your tastes and desires may have changed. Plus, you have lived and experienced things. Therefore, do not expect your identity to be the same after divorce as it was before you were married.

If you need help with this, do not be afraid to go to therapy or talk with someone. This entire process can be emotionally challenging and draining, and you are not the first person to feel this way. Over time, you will see that you start to carve out your own routines and your own life, creating your very own identity. Before you know it, you will feel comfortable just being yourself.

How-to Find Work Motivation When Divorcing

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be a draining process, and as such, it can be hard to find motivation to do other things. In particular, your work motivation can really suffer. Therefore, it’s helpful to know what you can do to keep yourself going when you’re at your job…

How-to Find Work Motivation When Divorcing: Useful Methods

Divorce and work

Divorce tends to have a negative effect on people’s work motivation for a couple reasons. First, it tends to take up a lot of their attention. Even when they aren’t handling divorce matters, it will stay on their mind, along with what’ll happen afterwards. This can make it hard for them to really focus on their work like they usually would.

There’s also the fact that divorce can impact your current schedule. Different developments may require you to either take time off of work or limit the amount of free time you have. When you’re constantly wondering what new thing may pop up and how you’ll need to react to it, your work may take a backseat.

Be upfront

When you’re working about your divorce at work, your work motivation will take a hit. Therefore, it’s good to let your boss or manager know what’s going on. Being upfront and honest about what you’re going through and how it may impact you isn’t a bad thing. Instead, they’ll be more inclined to help you out in order to keep you motivated at work.

For instance, they may recognize you need some more flexibility in your schedule. Or, you may not be able to do projects solo like you could before. When your boss or manager is aware of your divorce, they can help make accommodations which will solve these problems.

Take care of yourself

A large part of maintaining work motivation comes down to what you do outside of work. If you don’t have a good work-life balance, then it becomes a lot harder to want to work at all. Add in your divorce, and now this can become a serious struggle. In fact, many people may end up leaving their jobs because they feel so overwhelmed.

That’s why it’s important you still find some time for yourself when you aren’t working. While your divorce is a priority, you can’t let it totally take over your life. Rather, you need to be able to still relax to manage your anxieties, even if it means taking a few days off to do so.

How-to Tell Others About Your Divorce: Hard Convos

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

If you are going through a divorce or just got through a divorce, you will have to start to tell others about your divorce. It may feel intimidating or even embarrassing to have this conversation. However, you should not let it feel overwhelming. Take these steps to feel better about having this difficult conversation.

How-to Tell Others About Your Divorce: Steps to Take

Portrayal

When you are starting to tell others about your divorce, you will have to think about how much or how little you want to tell people. You can also decide how you want to portray your divorce. If you are having a nasty, angry divorce, you can decide how much information you want to share about that. You can also channel how you want your divorce is going. For example, you can say to people “I want to have a peaceful, smooth divorce”. It is your story to tell, so you can decide how much you are comfortable with telling people.

Family and Friends

Once you’ve decided what you want to tell others about your divorce, it will them come time to tell people. You will probably tell your friends and family first. Of course, they were probably really excited when you told them you were getting married, so they may have the opposite feelings when you tell them you are getting a divorce (unless your spouse is absolutely terrible).

If it is an amicable divorce, it may be okay to break the news to your friends and family together. However, if the divorce is bitter, it may be better to tell them separately. Otherwise, you may get into an argument during the conversation. This could make your friends and family feel very uncomfortable.

Work

You will likely have to talk with your corkers and boss when you start to tell others about your divorce. The advantage to doing this is that your boss may be more understanding and flexible if you have to take time off or leave for appointments such as going to therapy or to meet with a lawyer.

Tread carefully when you start to break the news to co-workers though. While some of them may be your friends, others may not want to know every detail of your life.

When it’s time to start to tell others about your divorce, keep these tips in mind. That will make your difficult conversation go a little bit smoother. Figure out what you want to say, and then start by telling friends and family, and then possibly people at your work too.

How-to Manage Divorce Anxiety

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be a very stressful time for you. All the uncertainty can result in a lot of divorce anxiety. Therefore, it’s good to know what you can do to manage this anxiety in a healthy manner so you can be at ease when it’s all over…

How-to Manage Divorce Anxiety: Helpful Steps

Do some organizing

A big reason behind people’s divorce anxiety is that they worry about not having everything that they need. There are a lot of different things which’ll be important for your divorce. Not having something you need or having the wrong thing can delay your divorce unnecessarily. This can all start to make a person feel pretty anxious.

That’s why it’s good to take some time and get organized. Ideally, it’s best to do this before your divorce even begins. Still, even if you didn’t do that, find some time now to get everything you’ll need together. That way, when you do have to find something such as a document, you’ll know exactly where to look.

Talk to others

Keeping your feelings of divorce anxiety to yourself can end up making them get worse. When you bottle those worries up, they end up being all your brain can think about. As such, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut where you just feel anxious all the time.

Talking to others about how you feel can help to alleviate some of this anxiety. By letting others know how you feel, you can get that anxiety off your chest and receive some helpful advice in the process. Aside from talking to friends and family, speaking to a therapist can help you figure out where your anxiety is coming from and how you can address it.

Pick up a hobby

It’s good to give your divorce the attention that it deserves. However, focusing too much on it can make your divorce anxiety worse. Eventually, you’re going to need something which can take your mind off of things. A great way to do that is by finding a hobby.

Having a hobby gives you an outlet for all that anxiety and stress. Plus, it can also allow for you to meet new people and make new friends. Try to find something which you find relaxing yet interesting, and soon you’ll notice that you won’t feel as anxious as you did beforehand.

Staying Friends with Your Ex: Post Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Not all divorces have to end poorly. It is possible to stay friends with your ex after a divorce. This may not be an immediate instant thing, but it is possible. However, you have many memories and experiences together, and know each other in a way that nobody else does. Just because you are no longer a romantic couple doesn’t mean you have to lose the great friendship you once had. This may be easier for some parties than others, and impossible for some all together.

Staying Friends with Your Ex: Tips

Time

The first key to staying friends with your ex is time. Divorce is never easy, no matter who initiated it. You may need time to heal and forgive. Give yourself time to work through your feelings. This could range from anger, sadness, denial, disgust, self-pity, or relief. It is important to take the time to grieve the loss of the relationship. Do not be afraid to cry. Have a girls night, or talk with someone about the feelings you are having.

Move Slowly

Do not expect it to be a quick process when trying to stay friends with your ex. Just because you want to be friends does not mean that relationship has to start as soon as the divorce papers are signed. You have to move at a pace that is right for both you and your partner. Remember, there was a reason that one of you broke things off in the first place.

If you are co-parenting, there is the chance for a family together to allow the new friendship to develop. For example, you could schedule family activities together like game night or weekly dinner together. Just take baby steps.

No Intimacy

Intimacy could complicate things. Just because you are wanting to stay friends with your ex does not open the door for intimacy. Do not let yourself fall into the trap that it is okay because you have done it before when you were married. The hormone that is released from intimacy is called oxytocin, and connects you to someone on a deep, emotional level. This could make things complicated, and lead you down a path that you do not want to go down. If you want to just be friends, and not friends with benefits, with your ex, stay away from intimacy.

Build Trust

After everything that happened before and during the divorce, it may feel difficult to trust one another. However, trust is an important part to becoming friends with your ex. A good place to start rebuilding trust is to follow through on what you say you will do. You should also tell the truth, keep your promises, and not bad mouth your ex to other people.

While staying friends with your ex may seem like a lofty goal, it is certainly possible by just following these steps. Remember, it will take time and may be a slow process, but work on building trust and a friendship may come in time.

Finding Peace Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

A divorce can end up leaving you pretty shaken up. As such, it’s not uncommon to feel uneasy, which can end up becoming unhealthy. Instead, it’s important to work on finding peace post-divorce. Doing so is key for surviving and thriving in your new post-divorce life…

Finding Peace Post-Divorce: Strike A Balance

Focus on yourself

Sometimes, it’s tough to spend time on yourself after your divorce. After all, you’ve got a lot of things which still need your attention. However, one of the most important things for finding peace post-divorce is being able to focus on yourself.

Think of it like investing for the future. If you take the time now to do some self-care, you’ll be able to move ahead more quickly in your post-divorce life. Plus, it helps that there’s such a wide variety of things you can do. Just taking a few minutes each day for yourself will really go a long way.

Check your diet

Making some dietary changes is also useful for finding peace post-divorce. Most people are aware that eating healthier can make them feel better. Still, when you’re stressed, it’s especially helpful to alter your diet just a bit.

For instance, things like caffeine, sugar, and refined carbs can cause spikes and crashes in your blood pressure, which leads to spikes in stress hormones. Meanwhile, eating a nutrient-dense diet of fruits, vegetables, and lean-proteins can help give you plenty of energy and boost your mood. You can also try out supplements but be sure to do some research beforehand.

Practice some mindfulness

Having a stressful divorce can make you feel a bit confused and frazzled. It can be tough to figure out what exactly your next move should be. Not only is this unpleasant, but it can really cause you to feel uneasy. That’s why it helps to be mindful when finding peace post-divorce.

Taking time to mediate is very beneficial. On top of helping to calm the nervous system, it can also reduce the negative effects of anxiety and depression. To get the most out of your efforts, most experts say to spend at least 15-20 minutes meditating during most days of the week.

Divorce Counseling: Different Types

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

A divorce can be a rather difficult experience. There’s a lot of different issues that you’ll need to take care of all at once. As such, it may help to seek out divorce counseling. This counseling can be a good source of support during this rougher time…

Divorce Counseling: Explore Your Options

How it helps

Divorce counseling can be beneficial for you in a number of ways. Most people tend to feel very uncertain and lost when faced with a divorce. They don’t know what they should be doing in order to prepare emotionally, especially in terms of processing those emotions. Others may struggle to figure out how to move forwards from this event.

A counselor can help you find some of the direction you need. They’ll have the tools and resources which can get your prepared for the emotions you’ll experience. Plus, they’ll also help you figure out what you’d like to do afterwards, and how to best go about achieving these new goals.

Pre-divorce

There’s two types of divorce counseling you can get. The first of these is pre-divorce counseling. This counseling is different from marriage counseling. Whereas marriage counseling helps couples who want to remain together, this is for a couple that wants to split but hasn’t started the process yet.

Here, a counselor will help you and your soon-to-be-ex learn how to properly communicate with one another. This will help make the entire process a lot easier for the both of you. Also, if you have kids, then you can also learn helpful ways to minimize the impact the divorce has on them.

Post-divorce

The other type of divorce counseling to try is post-divorce counseling. Like the name implies, this is for when your divorce is either about to be or already is over. Here, your counselor will help you navigate the grief and other emotions you feel and learn how to turn them into more positive ones instead.

You can also expect to develop some new goals and plans for your post-divorce life. It’s not uncommon for those who have been married for a while to struggle with figuring out what they will do next. A counselor can help you recover your identity and live the life you want.