How-to Begin Healing from Adultery

You feel betrayed, hurt, and confused. You found out that your spouse has been cheating on you behind your back. In the moment, it may feel like this pain and suffering will never end. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Whether or not you choose to stick it out or part ways with your spouse is up to you. There is no perfect, one-size-fits-all answer. However, it is important to know what steps you can take to begin healing from adultery.

How-to Begin Healing from Adultery: Picking Up the Pieces

Emotions

If you want to start healing from adultery, you will have to work through multiple stages first. You will feel an overwhelming amount of pain and sadness. This could come with swings of emotions where you are angry at your spouse, then yourself, and back to your spouse again. This could all happen within a matter of moments. You will have lost all trust and have shattered dreams for the future.

During this time, do not make any rash decisions. When you are in emotional pain, you will not be able to make wise decisions at this point. Do not jump into wanting to file for divorce, hurting yourself or getting revenge. Wait until your emotions have leveled out, or you may make a decision that you regret, but cannot take back. There is no set time frame as to how long this stage will last. Your spouse will need to be patient with you during this time. The way you work through this stage is unique to you. Lean on others for support or seek a councilor. Make sure to practice self-care, get enough sleep and eat healthy.

Therapy

It will be helpful to get therapy to work through healing from adultery. While you may be tempted to seek help on your own, it may be better to get therapy as a couple if you are considering continuing the marriage. You will have broken trust in your relationship. Seeking help together could help to rebuild this trust. There have already been enough secrets in this marriage. Individual therapy does not work to rebuild that trust. In fact, it may even make things more complicated. If you are wanting to save your marriage, you need to work through things with your spouse and not apart from them. Sometimes it takes one spouse hearing the other spouse saying why he or she is choosing this relationship and marriage versus giving up.

Working on Your Relationship

While the spouse who cheated on the other spouse is completely at fault for the affair, it is good to look at all of the other surrounding factors. Were there things that were broken in the marriage that could be worked on? Perhaps both spouses lost interest in one another. Try and address the things that were broken so that if you do continue the marriage, these things are not a continuous pain point.

It is also important to work on communication. For this to work, you must be able to communicate how you feel. You do not want underlying feelings to pop up 15 years from now about the hurt you have been sweeping under the rug. Being able to communicate openly will also help to rebuild trust.

How-to Decide if You Should Date a Divorcee

Statistics say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That means there are going to be quite a few divorcees out there. When you are on the dating scene, you are likely to encounter several, or many, divorcees. There are going to be different pros and cons that come with dating someone who has been divorced before. Here are some things to consider if you are trying to decide if you should date a divorcee.

How-to Decide if You Should Date a Divorcee: Choosing a Relationship

Commitment

Divorcees have already made a commitment to marriage (at least) once already. This likely means that they will have a clearer mindset about the reality of marriage and the problems that can arise. Due to this, they may be slower to make another commitment again. However, know that once they do make a commitment, they are more likely to stick with it. They will not want to go through the pain of another separation again. This is all good to know if you are going to date a divorcee.

They will have experienced what worked and what did not work in a relationship. They will also have experienced a wedding, marriage, and end of a marriage. Through all of the highs and lows of this process, they will have learned a lot about themselves and what is important to them. This may have made them more well-rounded as a person. This experience is invaluable when forming a new relationship. However, these experiences could also make a divorcee bitter as well.

Family Ties

It is also good to consider the family ties that come along with a divorcee. There will always be a tie, in some way or another, with an ex. This same thing is true if this person has children. No matter the age of the children, or whether or not they live with their parent or not, the kids will come as part of the package. When children are involved, your partner will likely have to have contact with their ex. This can especially be difficult when a new relationship is developing.

If you are going to date a divorcee, you will have to honestly ask yourself if you are able to accept these family ties. Know that your partner may take a while to introduce you to his or her children. This is nothing against you, it is just protecting the children’s feelings and emotions. If this relationship turns into marriage, you will need be comfortable that you will become a stepparent. Depending on the situation, this could be a really amazing or challenging transition.

How-to Work with a Financial Advisor During Divorce

Divorce can be very difficult on your financial situation. If you relied on dual-incomes to make ends meet, or your partner was the only one who worked, this can be especially challenging. Divorce may force you to change your lifestyle and spending habits. If you find finances to be an unpleasant and overwhelming thing to think about, you are in luck. Financial advisors are professionals that specialize in helping people with their finances. Learn how to work with a financial advisor during divorce.

How-to Work with a Financial Advisor During Divorce: Manage Your Finances

Financial Goals

Financial planners and advisors can help you get on track and work towards the goals you want to achieve. Unfortunately, according to a study, only 5% of women work with a financial advisor during divorce. However, these professionals can be as asset as part of a divorce team. In fact, 61% of women who did not use a financial planner wish that they would have worked with one during their divorce.

If you have not already, it is good to sit down and figure out your financial goals. Thinking these through will help you be able to work towards reaching your goals. Some good financial goals include paying off your debt, having a comfortable retirement, and saving for an emergency fund. Others include being able to buy a new home, creating another income source, or building wealth through investments.

Benefits

One of the benefits of using a financial planner is that they can help you evaluate your lifestyle. They will help you take a hard look at your finances both before and after the divorce. This will be helpful for even looking at different things like covering expenses, buying insurance, creating a budget, and paying bills.

Another benefit of working with a financial advisor during divorce is that they can help you look at your assets. This will include hidden gems you may not have remembered, and which assets to fight for during your divorce. Consider things like jewelry, investments, college funds and retirement accounts. The financial advisor will be able to determine what is worth asking for and also set up a plan to help you achieve financial freedom.

Although this is an underutilized resource, working with a financial advisor during divorce is a smart move. They will help you to be able to start off on the right track during and after your divorce. You will be glad they were part of your divorce team.

How-to Regain Your Confidence After Divorce

Divorce can really do a number on your confidence and self-esteem. You may feel like you have completely lost your identity. The divorce may have shattered your confidence. This can really affect your mental health. It may take time to get that back. By taking proactive steps, you can regain your confidence after your divorce.

How-to Regain Your Confidence After Divorce: Post-Divorce Healing

Support System

One way to help regain your confidence after divorce is by having a strong support system. Remember that there are people who know and love you. Surround yourself with people who can be beneficial if your overall health and well-being. Being social will not only help you reestablish your life, but also your self-esteem and confidence. This will allow you to show others around you that you are not permanently broken and that this life experience will not define you.

Consider reaching out to people who knew you before before you met your former spouse. You can reconnect with people who are far away distance-wise by using platforms like Skype, Zoom or Facetime. Even during COVID, you can get creative and reconnect with an old workout buddy by using a workout app. The most important thing to remember is that your self-worth is not dependent on your former partner. In the same way, you were a good friend before your partner and you will be a good friend after them too. Your friends will be able to help remind you of all of the great things about yourself that you may not be able to see right now.

Reestablish Your Identity

You will also begin to retain your confidence after divorce by reestablishing your identity. This may mean getting involved in activities you previously enjoyed, or completely reinventing yourself. Start by decorating your space to feel like you. You can do this whether you are still living in the same place as you did when you were married, or if you moved to a new place. Either way, think of this as a fresh start and make your home express your own personality. Think about different hobbies you have been wanting to try, and go try them. You may find something you really enjoy to fill up your time.

In the same way, also participate in things you have previously enjoyed as well. Make a list of all of the things you loved doing and what made you happy. Do you love playing tennis? Getting back on the courts may be just want you need for a confidence boost. This will also give you a boost of serotonin to make you feel happy and feel better. Sometimes, the most important part of reestablishing your identity is just remembering who you are deep down inside.

Divorce can certainly be hard on your self-esteem. However, it is possible to regain your confidence after your divorce. Start by finding a good support system to lean on, and find identity again. Before long, you will be feeling confident once more.