Divorce Insomnia: Fighting Sleeplessness

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can bring about a lot of stress. Sometimes, this stress can start to effect you in several different ways, especially with your sleep. Divorce insomnia prevents you from getting the rest you need to go about your divorce and your life properly. However, there are some ways which you can help your body get the sleep it needs…

Divorce Insomnia: How To Fight It

Avoid stimulants & other things

Divorce insomnia is made worse when you eat or drink the wrong things before it’s time to sleep. Things with sugar, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol in them are some of the most common culprits. These will inhibit your body’s ability to sleep and could potentially make your insomnia get worse.

Instead, it’s better to do your best to avoid these things before you sleep. Generally, it’s good to plan on not having these sleep inhibitors at least 3 hours before you sleep. In their place, it’s a good idea to have more healthy options like water. Avoiding these inhibitors will allow your body to better rest and recover during the night.

Limit distractions

Another important part of fighting divorce insomnia is limiting potential distractions. Too much light or noise exposure can prevent your body from sleeping properly. In fact, your body might instead think it’s time to be awake, further hurting your ability to get a good night’s rest.

It’s important to limit your exposure to these potential distractions. Try to sleep in a dark room, and use things like blackout curtains to help remove any outside light. If you’re worried about outside noise, it might be a good idea to invest in some noise-cancelling headphones. Also, try to limit your phone or computer usage at night, as the “blue light” can limit your ability to properly sleep.

Empty out your worries

Divorce insomnia tends to begin due to all of your thoughts and worries about the divorce. These racing and negative thoughts can end up keeping you awake throughout the night. However, that doesn’t mean you have to keep them bottled up inside. Instead, it’s a good idea to get them out before you try to sleep. 
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You might want to consider keeping a journal or something similar where you can write your thoughts out. That way, they won’t be stuck running around in your head. Often times, it helps to write out what you feel, and many people will feel better as a result.

Gray Divorce: Separation At All Stages

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Many people might consider divorce to be something more for younger couples. However, while divorce rates for younger people have been going down, they have actually been increasing for those over 50. This kind of divorce, known as gray divorce, occurs for several different reasons. Knowing these reasons can help you see what challenges marriages face as time goes on…

Gray Divorce: What It Is & Why It Happens

Drifting apart

Growing apart is one of the most common reasons for gray divorce. People are always changing as they grow older. Sometimes, this change can result in a disconnect between partners. Over time, they realize that they’ve changed from who they were when they first got married.

This change can show itself in several ways. Empty nest syndrome-the feeling of your home being empty after your child has left-is a common cause. After you’re no longer busy raising a child, you might question what you do now. Furthermore, retirement can also evoke similar feelings of realizing you no longer relate to your partner anymore.

Looking for something new

Feeling stuck in a “same old, same old” routine can leave you looking for something new. This same idea applies to marriage as well. If you feel like you’re just “going through the motions” of your marriage, then you might want to find some new things to do. For many couples, this results in them choosing a gray divorce.

As a person gets older, they might feel like it’s time to do all the things they’ve wanted to but never had the time for. However, their partner might not share that active mentality. When this disconnect occurs, a couple might realizes that it’s better to divorce rather than stay together.

Infidelity

Unfortunately, infidelity doesn’t stop as couples get older. Cheating is a major factor for couples who choose to get a gray divorce. However, there might be some different reasons for why an older person chooses to cheat compared to other ones.
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A person might choose to cheat because as they get older, they no longer find their partner attractive. They may also believe that finding someone younger can help them feel younger as well. This can ultimately lead to them cheating and a potential divorce.

Family Events: How To Handle Them

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

There’s no real “perfect” time to get a divorce. Most people try to avoid starting a divorce around holidays or birthdays, but a divorce can take some time. That’s why it’s important to know how to handle family events during divorce. That way, you can make these events as successful as possible while still handling your divorce…

Family Events: How To Handle Them

Remember your shared goals

Defining goals and potential concerns is a big aspect of mediation. This is different from defining a position. For example, saying you deserve to keep the house is a position, whereas saying you need housing that’s close to your child’s school is a goal. This similar process can be applied to handling family events during divorce.

Ask your partner what your goals and concerns are for an upcoming event. Most people will see that their goals are usually similar: they want their family or kids to enjoy the event and for everyone to have a good time. Still, you might have some concerns, like about potential arguments. However, once you’ve identified these goals and concerns, you can start making a plan.

Develop your plan

A good plan is key for managing family events during divorce. The more developed your plan is, the better your chances are for the event going smoothly. Try to think about the whole event, from beginning to end, and come up with a plan that is both realistic and enjoyable.

Still, you and your partner might not agree on certain parts of the plan. In these cases, try to consider if what you or they are suggesting is feasible or more difficult. You want to be flexible, but you also have to recognize when things might not work. The best way to handle this is to explain to your spouse any issues you see and why in a clear and calm manner.

Prepare for success

Working with your spouse is one part of making family events during divorce a success. The other part comes down to how you prepare for these events. That means setting yourself up for success well in advance through good self-care measures.
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It’s important to get enough rest and eat enough before going to these events. Divorce can be quite a draining a process. However, being tired or hungry will lessen your ability to enjoy these events. That’s why you should try to get plenty of sleep and have a full stomach beforehand.

Social Life Post-Divorce: Finding Friendships New & Old

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

When you were married, a lot of your time and energy went into your relationship. However, now you have the ability to put that energy into your social life post-divorce. This will let you reevaluate and strengthen friendships, as well as make some new ones along the way…

Social Life Post-Divorce

Consider your current friendships

During your divorce, odds are that your friends were a big part of your support network. However, it’s important to tell the difference from real friends like these, and others who you may not be as close too. As a result, your social life post-divorce will require you to really consider which friends are good ones, and which ones aren’t.

Think of your friends and ask yourself how they treat you and how you feel around them. Do you really enjoy being around them and do they treat you with respect? Or, do you only hang out with them due to convenience, despite them being rude or mean? In these cases, it might be time to let those kinds of friends go.

Rekindle old friendships

As you think about your current friends, you might think about some old ones too. These may be friends that you haven’t seen or heard from in a long time. Maybe they distanced themselves because of your ex, or you just simple fell out of touch over time. Part of your social life post-divorce can be reaching out to these old friends and trying to rekindle your friendships.

If there’s someone out there you want to reach out to, don’t hesitate. With social media and the internet, it’s very easy to shoot them a message and see how they’ve been. Just a simple message about how it’s been a while and you’d like to catch up if they have the time can be all that’s needed.

Make new friends

Old friends are just one part of your social life post-divorce. There’s also new friends to consider. Coming off of your divorce gives you a lot of freedom to do the things you’ve wanted to, but couldn’t. These hobbies and activities are a great way to meet some like-minded people, and potentially new friends.

Still, when talking to a potential new friends, don’t ramble on about your divorce or your ex. For starters, you never know if they could know your ex as well. Plus, it creates a negative first impression. Remember that focusing on the past isn’t the way to move forward.

First Months Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be a difficult time for those who experience it. However, the first months post-divorce can also be pretty hard as well. Still, once that hurdle is cleared, things become much easier. That’s why it’s important to know how to thrive in those first few months…

First Months Post-Divorce: Making Changes

Keep yourself busy

One of the things you’ll want to avoid doing during those first months post-divorce is wallowing and isolating yourself. Now, wallowing is much different from normally feeling sad or upset. Whereas the later will eventually pass and you’ll feel better in the end, wallowing keeps you stuck and from doing anything. Therefore, you’re going to want to avoid this potential stagnation.

It helps to keep yourself busy during these first few months. Try to get started on the things you need to do to get your post-divorce life going. This could include home improvement, working, or exploring new hobbies. It’s okay to have those days where you need to be alone and gather your thoughts. What’s important is being able to pick yourself up the next day and keep going.

Look for support

Another helpful way to survive those first months post-divorce is to look for some support. Now, your friends and family have probably already been a large support group for you. Still, they might not know exactly what you’re dealing with. That’s why specialized support can be handy.

For example, you can look for any divorce support groups you can join. These groups will be filled with people who have dealt with, or are dealing with the same stuff you are. You can also try out counselling too. There, you can learn some strategies of how to deal with and work through the emotions you’re feeling. 

Do what’s best for you

During these first months post-divorce, you’re probably going to hear a lot of people giving their opinions about what you should do. Now, odds are that they mean well, but they ultimately don’t know you like you know yourself. That’s why it’s important to always remember that you should do what’s ultimately the best thing for you.
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For instance, maybe people might start asking you if you’ve thought about dating again. However, that’s really none of their business. Instead, you should only date if and when you feel comfortable enough to do so. After all, your personal happiness is the most important thing, especially after your divorce.

High Conflict Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

While getting a divorce isn’t an easy decision, you’d hope that your spouse can handle it in a professional way. However, this isn’t always the case. Your spouse might react in any number of ways, and this can lead to problems during your divorce. For this reason, we’ve put together some key tips for spotting, and handling, a potentially high conflict divorce.

High Conflict Divorce: Potential Signs

How To Identify a High Conflict Spouse

To have a high conflict divorce, there’ll inevitably be one, or even two, high conflict spouse(s). But how can you tell if your spouse fits the bill? One method of understanding, is to ask yourself a few questions… Are you constantly defending yourself? Do you feel intimidated and afraid of making suggestions?

Am I frightened to have a conversation?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, then you might be facing a high conflict divorce. Afterwards, think about your spouse’s behavior. Are they unwilling to compromise? Do they constantly jump to conclusions, or try to escalate even small disagreements? These are all red flags of a high conflict spouse. Once you identify your spouse as high conflict, the next task will be doing what you can do in these tense situations.

Don’t Take Things Personally

When in a high conflict divorce, you might wonder how you didn’t see this coming, or what you should’ve done differently. However, this kind of thinking is counter-productive and possibly what your spouse wants you to do. If you focus too much on blaming yourself and letting what your spouse says get to you, then they may hope you’ll give up on the divorce or not fight for what you deserve. Remember, your marriage involved your spouse as well, and they also played a role in things not working out. Odds are anything they say to you is just a reflection of what they themselves feel they should’ve done differently.

Don’t Play Their Games

In a high conflict divorce, high conflict spouses gain their power from getting reactions out of you. Their ultimate goal is to get you angry and into arguments with the hope of making you into the “bad guy”. That way, they can flip the divorce onto you and make it seem like you’re the problem, not them. This is why it’s important to not play their games. Say your final words and don’t let them have anything else. They’ll realize soon enough that their tactics aren’t going to work on you.

Divorce takes a lot out of person, and high conflict divorces especially so. However, while it might be more difficult, it certainly isn’t impossible. Remember to keep your cool and you’re spouse will lose any power they think they might’ve had.

Divorce Predictors

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

There aren’t any 100% divorce predictors out there. However, some red flags tend to stand out more than others. These signals tend to often pop up when a divorce is on the horizon. It’s important to know what these signs are, so you can potentially change course…

Divorce Predictors: Spot The Red Flags

Communication breakdown

Communication breakdowns can be one of those divorce predictors that sneaks up on couples. In fact, communication issues can be at the root of nearly all relationship troubles. When a couple has trouble talking to each other, eventually they might find themselves drifting apart past the point of fixing it.

Still, it can be hard to initially notice when this kind of breakdown happens. That’s why it’s important to be proactive. If you notice that you have trouble talking to your spouse, or you feel like they’re ignoring you, then it’s time to take some action. Try to have a serious sit down with your spouse to see where the problems came from, and how you can try to fix them together.

Constant arguing

Constant arguing is another common example of divorce predictors. This also ties in a bit to communication breakdowns. When a couple can’t communicate effectively, it can lead to them getting frustrated and eventually angry at each other. This can turn into constant arguments, and eventually a divorce.

Now, it’s very easy to tell when you and your spouse are constantly arguing. However, it’s not so easy to navigate this situation and find a solution. Firstly, you’ll have to sit down with them and figure out what’s been causing the issues between you both. If it’s something one or both of you have been doing, then be willing to take that critical look at yourself to try and fix it in the future.

Infidelity

Whereas the other divorce predictors may be harder to spot, infidelity is a pretty clear-cut one. For many, infidelity is an immediate point of no return for their marriage. However, there are those who will try to fix things, but with a lot of hard work and trust rebuilding put into it. In this situation, it ultimately comes down to how you feel about trying to fix things.

Post-Divorce Isolation

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

With how much stuff needs to get done during a divorce, you’ve probably been pretty busy. However, what about when all the dust has settled? For many people, this is when the post-divorce isolation sets in. Handling this feeling can be tricky, but it isn’t impossible…

Post-Divorce Isolation: How To Handle It

Why it happens

It’s important to understand why post-divorce isolation occurs in the first place. The largest factor is your divorce itself. The focus of divorce is about splitting away from someone you were close to. Even if you no longer have the feelings for them that you used to, it’s still tough to break away and not feel isolated now that you’ve lost that connection.

There’s also some other elements which can come into play. For example, maybe your divorce has resulted in you having to move into a new home or apartment. This could put you further away from friends and family, who have probably been your biggest support system. Feeling like you’re “stranded” can also increase that sense of isolation. 

Come to terms with it

When handling post-divorce isolation, it’s important to understand that being alone isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s a good idea to get comfortable with being by yourself. This will help you do some good self-reflection and come to terms with what happened.

Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to purposefully isolate yourself from the world. It just means that in those moments you do find yourself alone, don’t let it get to you. Instead, channel that time into doing what you want to do and making some plans for your new future.

Pushing past it

Once you’ve gotten comfortable with the alone time and yourself, then you can really push past that post-divorce isolation. Of course, you can do this in several ways. Many people like to start small by going back out with friends, and then slowly working their way towards making new friends on their own.
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A good idea might be to try and connect with others who are or have been in your position. For instance, you can look to connect with other divorced moms if you yourself are one. These days, the internet makes it pretty ease to find and connect with people like you all over the world!

Post-Divorce Budget: Managing Your Money

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Getting your new life after your divorce going is easier said than done. In fact, there’s a few things you’ll need to do beforehand. Most notably, this includes setting up a post-divorce budget. Having a good budget can really help you avoid financial stress and begin your new life on the right foot…

Post-Divorce Budget: How To Adapt

Revisit your old one

The building blocks of your post-divorce budget can really come from the old one you had. Now, you’ll certainly have to make some adjustments. After all, you’re probably going from having two sources of income, to only yours. However, there might also be some expenses which you don’t have to worry about, or maybe even some new ones to consider.

Plus, there’s a pretty easy way of visualizing this starter budget. Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, and have one side be for your income, and another for expenses. Fill each side out, and then add the totals up at the bottom. This quick draft budget can help you see if your finances are in good shape, or if you need to make some changes.

Focus on the necessities

If you find that your post-divorce budget isn’t looking so good, then it’s time to make some cutbacks. That means that you’ll have to focus on the necessities over the more optional things. Basically, you’ll want to prioritize your needs (clothing, food, shelter, and transport) over your wants.

Still, even for your needs, you don’t have to go crazy. For instance, you might need clothes, but that isn’t an excuse to go on a big upscale shopping spree. Buy the things you can comfortably afford, and cut out those other things which are just draining money. This can help you balance out your budget.

Avoid big purchases

A big purchase can really mess with your post-divorce budget. For example, you might be tempted to move to a new house or get a new car as a sort-of kick starter for your new life. However, these kinds of purchases can really hurt your wallet, and leave you stuck in a worse situation in the long run.

Angry Ex: Emotional Impact of Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can stir up a wide range of emotions, and not all of them are pleasant. As a result, having an angry ex isn’t all that uncommon. Still, what do you do when you have to try and co-parent with them? There are a few ways you can try to defuse the tension between you…

Angry Ex: How To Handle Them

Be empathetic

Try to remember that anger is usually a secondary emotion. Odds are, an angry ex is hiding their griefor sadness over what’s happened behind their anger. This can be especially apparent if they weren’t the ones who suggested the divorce. In these cases, your ex can find it harder to adjust to the new post-divorce life.

As a result, this struggle can lead to their anger. That’s why it helps to try and be more empathetic when interacting with them. Try to let them know you understand why they feel how they do, and you don’t want to be their enemy. Instead, you want to work with them to co-parent properly.

Work on communication

Even if you try to be considerate, talking to an angry ex can be difficult. They might always try and shut you down, or quickly escalate things into screaming matches. In these scenarios, it’s important to know how you can properly communicate, even when your ex doesn’t want to.

Try and keep your interactions brief and straight to the point. Don’t try to bring up other topics or get distracted. Instead, keep it focused only on whatever the main thing you need to discuss is. Also, remember to try and use neutral and non-accusatory language, as to avoid blow-ups caused by misunderstanding.

Keep clear boundaries

Sometimes, no matter what you do, an angry ex is just not going to want to talk to you. They might ignore you, yell at you, and refuse to let you get your point across. However, you don’t have to just accept this kind of harassment. Instead, it’s perfectly acceptable to set some clear boundaries.

When your ex starts lashing out, let them know that if they continue, you’ll just leave and wait until they calm down. This lets them know that they can’t just attack you and expect you to allow it without consequence. Plus, if they try to pry out more personal, off-topic information, remind them of your boundaries and use a similar strategy if they don’t get the message.