The Four Co-parenting C’s

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

There are plenty of mistakes that every co-parent will make. After all, we’re all new to this at some point in time, and there are always growing pains. The key to being a good co-parent, is keeping a few key goals in mind. From communication, to compromise, and beyond— the Four Co-parenting C’s are something every divorced parent must observe, and perfect, to become the co-parent we all want to be. No one said it’s easy, but it’s undeniably worth it.

The Four Co-parenting C’s to Perfect for Your Kids 

Cooperation

When it comes to mastering co-parenting, cooperation is at the center of it all. While you two divorced for a reason, you also have to find ways to put that aside for your children. You’ll have to manage school, appointments, birthday parties, family gatherings, sick days, pick-up and drop-off, and many manyother things as a unit. The key to successful cooperation, is to plan ahead of time— but also be flexible. The more committed you are to cooperating for your kids, the more likely you are to be successful at it.

Compromise

One of the most difficult things to do as a divorced parent, and co-parent, is to compromise with your former spouse. No matter how hard we try, it’s extremely easy to be spiteful when it comes to your ex, even when kids are involved. But, as a parent, you always have to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Maybe this weekend was supposed to be yours, but your former spouse’s mother has fallen extremely ill. Your ex asks if you will let the child spend the weekend with them so they can visit in the hospital. 

While your instinct might be to say no out of spite, consider if it was the other way around. Your mother is ill, she might pass, and you want your child to be able to say goodbye. By giving a little in the right moments, you and your former spouse might be able to form a new kind of respect, and become better co-parents in the long run.

Consistency

As we’ve mentioned, there will always be growing pains as you learn how to co-parent outside of a marriage, but consistency is key. By maintaining routines for your child from one household to the other, you give them a sense of security that might have been wavering after the separation. By setting uniform expectations, you make things easier for your children. Not to mention, you also avoid that infamous “but, Mom/Dad lets me…”

Communication

We always save this one for last because it’s the most important, and the most difficult to master. Chances are, your inability to communicate with one another played at least a small part in your divorce. So, how are we supposed to get better at it now? Quite simply put, because you have to. In communicating effectively, you set a strong example for your children and avoid conflict. Conduct yourselves in a business-like fashion because, after all, you’re colleagues in the business of raising your children. So, be courteous to the co-parent as if they are a co-worker.
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As you consider the Four Co-parenting C’s, you might begin to discover what you’ve been excelling at. Furthermore, you might also discover what you need to work on. Every parent, whether divorced or together, can inevitably improve their tactics in one way or another— and there’s no shame in saying it. However, there is admirability in admitting your faults and improving upon them.

Remarrying: A Leap of Faith

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

With how hard it can be to date again after a divorce, you’ll probably be pretty happy when you find someone you connect with. When things start to get more “serious”, thoughts of remarrying might cross your mind. However, what if you’re unsure about if things will be a repeat of last time? There’s a few things you can do to help ensure this marriage goes how you want…

Remarrying: Making It Work

Understand your baggage

Remarrying without some kind of baggage is basically impossible. Still, that doesn’t mean you should be afraid of that. Rather, it means you should take the time to understand what this baggage is, and why you may have it. Once you do that, then you can ensure it won’t interfere with your new marriage.

For example, say your last marriage ended due to infidelity. This might cause you to be suspicious of your partner if they’re running late or out of town. You could also have trouble trusting them. Eventually, this could cause problems if you don’t confront and move past it.

Be open & vulnerable

Another thing about remarrying is that it’s important to be open to your new partner. It’s understandable to worry about being too vulnerable. Doing so can make you feel exposed, and bring about fears that your partner will take advantage of that openness, potentially like your last one did.

While that openness can be scary, it’s also an important part of any trusting relationship. You and your partner have to both be able to be honest with each other. If you are willing to be vulnerable, they will be as well, and your bond will strengthen overall.

Keep expectations realistic

Remarrying tends comes with extra expectations. Not only do you want this marriage to go well, but you’ll also probably be comparing it to your previous one. Sometimes, these expectations can get a little out of hand, and take a toll on your relationship when things don’t live up to them.

To avoid this, you and your partner should keep those expectations realistic. Try to sit down and talk to each other about some of those key expectations you have. These could be about finances, handling conflicts, raising kids, or anything else you may think of. That way, you can both be on the same page and get your expectations set accordingly.

Extra Income Post-Divorce: Making Money

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

The financial costs of divorce can have you eager to start working again. Still, even when you start working, you might find yourself needing some more money. That’s why it’s useful to look for extra income post-divorce. There’s a few ways you can earn that extra bit of cash…

Extra Income Post-Divorce: Financial Independence

Sell old belongings

One way to get some extra income post-divorce is by selling off things you don’t need anymore. Everyone has some things which are just taking up space in the home. This could be old clothes sitting in the closet, or some decor or furniture that goes unused. Rather than letting it go to waste, it can be useful to try and sell them.

Even if it’s older or in rough condition, you’d be surprised how much you can get for old clothes, furniture, and other items. Plus, on top of getting some money, you also create space for new replacements. While an old-fashion garage sale can work well, there’s also a lot of stores which will take your old items off your hands.

Pick up a “side gig”

There’s been a lot of talk about “side gigs” these days. These are something you do outside of your main job to get a bit of extra cash. That means they’re also pretty handy for getting extra income post-divorce. What’s nice is that there’s a wide variety of gigs you can try your hand at.

For example, everyone is familiar with ride sharing services like Uber or Lyft. However, you could also try freelance writing if that sounds more up your alley. There’s also transcription services; many of them can be done online, and at your own leisure.

Look for seasonal work

Maybe you only need some extra income post-divorce for a short time. One common time people like to make more money is around the holidays. In these cases, where it’ll only be temporary, you could also look for any seasonal jobs that are hiring.

Like the name implies, these jobs will only need you to work for a short time. Plus, they’re usually eager to fill the positions. If you can find a way to fit them into your schedule, and don’t mind the work, then they can be a nice way to make some more money.

Spring Cleaning Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

After separation or divorce, it’s easy to overwhelm yourself. Even an amicable divorce is not easy. With the seasons changing, now is a good time to really embrace your new life. Spring cleaning post-divorce can happen during any season! Time to clean out the closets.

Spring Cleaning Post-Divorce: Starting Anew 

Hated that piece? Get rid of it

​Sometimes, exes buy pieces for the home that aren’t the best looking or best fitting. If your ex left this piece behind during their move, get rid of it. Spring cleaning post-divorce allows you to focus on yourself and what you like. If that chair in the sitting room doesn’t fit the bill, it’s gone!

​If donating the item is something of interest, many non-profits will gladly schedule a pick up. But maybe selling it is a better option! Facebook Marketplace, Offer Up, and the NextDoor app all offer a solution for selling those items.

Make It Yours

Making your new solo space yours is most important when you’re spring cleaning post-divorce. Simply changing out the throw pillows to a color that you like more or removing personal touches of your ex will freshen up your space and make it a place for just you. In the case that you need to get your own place, don’t feel disheartened! It’s a positive time for starting over and truly making a space yours.

Get Organized!

Many people have heard of the Netflix show, Tidying Up with Marie Kondo. Spring cleaning post-divorce means organizing for this next step in life without dragging baggage in from your married life. Utilizing the KonMari method will help you only keep things in your life that bring you joy. While this may seem daunting, take your time. A good tip to remember is to tackle one room at a time!

Sweep, Mop, Clean

Spring cleaning post-divorce can include cleaning the windows and mopping the floors. The physical act of cleaning is therapeutic and it’s a perfect metaphor for divorce. After you’re done cleaning, you’ll feel in control of your life and your space.

Remember: property settlement will determine if your ex gets to leave that awful chair behind. Don’t start decluttering their personal items out before the court decides that the remaining property is yours. Make sure you talk to your ex about what they want and don’t want. Spring cleaning post-divorce is a therapeutic time but don’t let it get you in trouble in court!

Unexpected Divorce: My Spouse is Gay

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

It happens a lot. During a marriage, sometimes a spouse will reveal that they are interested in other people. Sometimes, however, these other people are of the same gender as they are. For straight couples, this is probably a huge shock. But what does your spouse coming out mean for you and your family? Let’s discuss some common questions and reasons for an unexpected divorce. 

Unexpected Divorce: My Spouse is Gay

Do we stay married?

The choice is up to you. Some may enter this chapter in their relationship with a new understanding of each other. Others may chose an unexpected divorce. Whatever you decide is right for you is the right choice. Coming out doesn’t always lead to an immediate separation. A marriage means a lot of intertwined parts, and a divorce might not be the easiest or best option.

If we stay married, then what?

If you both decide to avoid that unexpected divorce and stay married instead, your spouse may ask for an open relationship. An open relationship requires more communication and honesty. Each open relationship is different; no two look the same. Some of them are completely open. Others are open to particular people. Coming out takes a lot of trust, but so do open relationships. Make sure you and your partner feel comfortable with your relationships at all points.

Not sure about what you want?

Much like the coming out decision that your spouse made, your next move might take time. Choosing an unexpected divorce, especially very quickly, you might not be making the right choice for you. Your emotions are on high-alert. Take time to fully feel through these emotions before making any permanent decisions.

Nothing You Did

No matter what, you cannot change a person’s sexual orientation. If your spouse coming out is a surprise for you, do not feel discouraged. You are valid and perfect as you are. There might be a difficult acceptance period. It might be a good idea for you to seek help or therapy.

Mixed orientation couples are more common than the average person might realize. Coming out happens at all stages of life. For some, that might be after they’ve entered a heterosexual marriage. Also remember that coming out does not mean the couples are out of love. ​​​It also doesn’t mean that you will absolutely be getting that unexpected divorce we discussed. Every marriage is different and you should do what feels right to you. 

Financial Infidelity: Potential Signs

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

When people think of a spouse cheating, most of the time they think of physical encounters. However, financial infidelity is something which not only occurs, but is also on the rise. Knowing some common signs of this infidelity can help you see if it’s occurring in your marriage…

Financial Infidelity: Unconventional Cheating

Missing cash

Have you noticed money missing from a joint account you and your spouse share? Does your bank statement show a lot of withdrawals you don’t know about? If so, you might want to be careful. Missing money can be a potential sign of financial infidelity.

Now, sometimes a spouse will take out money for something and forget about it. That’s totally normal. However, constant withdrawals for varying amounts can be reason for concern. When you notice this, you’ll want to ask your spouse about what’s going on. In the meantime, try to keep your money in a separate account to keep it secure.

Many new purchases

If your spouse is making a lot of new, constant purchases all the time, that can also be a sign of financial infidelity. Of course, people like to treat themselves every now and again. It becomes an issue when it seems like your spouse is making a purchase every other day. Usually, these purchases can be very cheap, very expensive, or somewhere in-between.

Your spouse might even try to hide these purchases from you. They may always try and get the mail or packages, or use a separate bank account to prevent the purchases from showing up on your end. Sometimes, they might even use something like a P.O. box so they never arrive at the house!

They don’t like financial talk

Talking about finances is a part of any good marriage. Plus, if you feel like you’ve noticed signs of financial infidelity, you’ll want to bring them up to your spouse. Yet, what if your spouse gets upset when you try to have these conversations? This can actually be another sign that financial infidelity is going on.

If you talk finances to your spouse, they might be worried you’re going to bring up their actions. This can make them want to avoid talking about it all together. Still, it’s important to do so if you want to fix this problem together. Not doing so will strain things even more.

Budget Mistakes: Post-Divorce Finances

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Having a good budget is important for your post-divorce finances. However, not everyone gets it right the first time. Making budget mistakes can really add some financial stress which you could’ve avoided. Therefore, it’s important to know what are some common ones, and how to fix them…

Budget Mistakes: Common Missteps

Forgetting what’s “essential”

When most people make their new budget, they want to focus on essential expenses. These are the things they know they’ll need, and have to make sure they have money for. Still, many people tend to forget what exactly counts as an essential and what is something they could go without, which is one of the more-common budget mistakes.

For instance, things like grocery shopping, utility bills, and rent/mortgage payments are all essentials. You will need to pay these things so you have food to eat and a roof over your head. Yet, you don’t need premium subscription services or streaming services. It might not seem like much, but that extra money can really make a difference.

Overestimating income

Another of the common budget mistakes has to do with income. For most people, their income is the money they can use on their expenses, and hopefully save up as well. The issue is that income isn’t the simple, straightforward number we tend to think that it is. Rather, they need to account for net income.

Net income is the amount of money you actually take home. After all, everyone has taxes and other deductions taken out of their paycheck. That’s going to limit the amount of money you’ll have to spend. Therefore, you need to plan around that net income instead.

Not seeking outside help

Budget mistakes can be troublesome, but they are also something you can fix. Sometimes, however, you might struggle to see what exactly you need to change. When this happens, you’ll want to avoid yet another mistake where you don’t get extra help.

Meeting with some kind of financial adviser can help you see what’s wrong and how to fix it. They will work with you to look at your budget, and make sure you understand what’s causing issues. Then, they’ll develop a plan to help you turn things around and make it finally work for your needs.

Relationship Abuse: Different Types

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Relationship abuse can take many forms. It’s important to know the various types of abuse so that you can recognize them in your own life and in the lives of people you care about. Physical abuse is the most well-known type of abuse. It involves physical acts of aggression. However, relationship abuse doesn’t have to be physical. Sometimes emotional or verbal abuse is equally as harmful. Sexual abuse can be a form of both physical and emotional abuse. And finally, financial abuse involves using money to harm your partner. If you notice your partner doing any of these things, reach out and get support as soon as possible so that you can safely leave the relationship.

Relationship Abuse: Different Types and Forms of Abuse

Physical

The type of relationship abuse that many people think of first is physical abuse. This involves one partner hurting the other physically. It might be hitting, kicking, strangling, or any other way of causing pain. Physical abuse can also include restraining or even things like driving recklessly. Anything that makes a victim fear for their safety is physical abuse.

Verbal/Emotional

Another form of relationship abuse is verbal abuse or emotional abuse. Often, this involves the abuser making their partner feel worthless. Many abusers make their victims question their actions. Emotional abuse can be much harder to spot because it doesn’t leave marks. However, it can be just as damaging as other forms of abuse. Emotional abuse can harm a person’s self-confidence for the rest of their life.

Sexual

Sexual abuse is another form of relationship abuse. Sex should be consensual between two partners. Anytime it is not is considered sexual abuse. This type of abuse can also include withholding sex or using it as a weapon. Sex shouldn’t be used as a way to show power or control in a relationship. Instead, it should make a relationship stronger.

Financial

One last type of relationship abuse is financial abuse. This is all about control. Often the abuser will prevent their partner from being able to get a job to earn their own money. Or they will withhold money entirely. Others go through their partner’s spending habits with a fine-tooth comb and question everything. This can also take the shape of an abuser taking out credit cards in their partner’s name and running up large amounts of debt. Relationship abuse can take many different forms. But often it boils down to control. Abusers like to make their victims feel out of control and powerless. They’ll do this by taking away their self-confidence in any way they can. They might hurt their partner by hitting or strangling to show their power. Others use words to slowly break down their victim’s self-confidence. Others use sex in a relationship as a way to control their partner. And finally, some use money or withhold money to prevent their victims from feeling independent. It’s important to be able to recognize abuse in its many forms. You’ll be able to spot it in your own life but also can look out for loved ones as well. If you are in an abusive relationship, reach out for support. It’s important to get the help you need so that it doesn’t cause lasting harm.

Marriage on the Rocks: Improving Your Relationship

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Improving your relationship is a great thing to do in any marriage, but especially if yours is on the rocks. Marriage takes work and effort on the part of both spouses. It’s easy to get comfortable and lazy in a relationship and stop making that effort. If you feel like you and your partner are struggling, start writing things down. This can often help you gain a new perspective. Go visit a marriage counselor and see if they can give you advice on improving your communication. Sit down and have an honest conversation about your fears. And finally, take a short and planned break if you need one. Not a break from the marriage but take a long weekend to get a little time to yourself. Hopefully, you’ll be able to either improve and strengthen your marriage or gain the insight that you need to realize things truly aren’t working.

Marriage on the Rocks: Improving Your Relationship to Avoid Divorce

Write Things Down

Improving your relationship sometimes just means that you need to gain a little insight into things. It’s easy to get lost in an argument and forget all the great times you’ve had. Or maybe you are just going through a tough period in your relationship. Writing things down can help you see patterns of behavior. Write down all of your concerns and complaints, and then write down the positives in your marriage. If your complaints seem small and petty, it might just be that you need some alone time or a stress-reliever in some other way. If the problems are huge and overwhelming, maybe the relationship needs some help.

See a Marriage Counselor

Another way of improving your relationship is to go see a marriage counselor. They can help with several relationship stressors. For instance, they can often give couples great advice on learning how to communicate better. In addition, they might give you some useful tips for handling stress together. This is especially helpful if you are going through a difficult relationship period, like dealing with a loss, aging parents, young children, or other problems.

Be Open and Honest

Sitting down and having an open and honest conversation with your partner is another way of improving your relationship. While it might seem like something that easily could spiral into a fight, things will go better if you plan it out in advance. For example, let your partner know that you’d like to plan a night where you can discuss relationship goals. Then both of you can, hopefully, calmly discuss the issues and figure out ways to solve them together.

Take a Short Time-Out

Finally, sometimes improving a relationship isn’t really about the relationship, it’s more about your mental health. If you’re under a lot of stress, it can be putting a big strain on your marriage. And after a few years of pandemic life, this is even more common. You might just require a little “me time.” If this is the case, plan to take a brief and pre-determined mini vacation. This isn’t an excuse to pretend like you’re single. Rather, it’s just a short breather to take some time to focus on yourself and yourself only for a little while. If your marriage is on the rocks, improving your relationship can seem overwhelming. If you truly are having major problems, then it might just be becoming apparent that you and your partner are not meant to be together. However, if you are both determined to make your marriage work, then there are things you can do to make things better. Write things down to give yourself a chance to see the bigger picture. Seek out a marriage counselor and have an open mind about their advice. Sit down and have an honest discussion with your partner. And if you need to, take a short break from them to give yourself a chance to focus on your personal needs. Hopefully, you’ll be able to come together as a couple and make your marriage stronger than ever.

Choosing a Marriage Counselor

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Choosing a marriage counselor can be an important factor in the success of your therapy journey. If you and your spouse are considering marriage counseling, talk about what you’d like to have in a therapist. Make sure that you have similar goals in mind for therapy and then start trying to find somebody that fits the bill. Interview several therapists to get an overall sense of their approach. Consider your budget and if your insurance might help pay for the therapy. You and your partner both need to agree with your therapist. Establish some goals with your counselor early and make sure that they are continuing to work towards them. And finally, trust your gut. If things don’t feel like they’re progressing, find somebody else. You and your partner need to agree on your counselor so that you both feel comfortable.

Choosing a Marriage Counselor: How to Pick the Best Fit

Interview Several

When choosing a marriage counselor, interview several before making your decision. You want to find a good fit for both you and your partner. Figure out what each therapists’ style is and see if it’s a match for your personality. You want to find somebody that you both feel very comfortable with and are open to sharing personal information with.

Consider Budget

Budget is always a consideration when choosing a marriage counselor. Therapy can be expensive, especially out of pocket. Talk to your insurance provider and see if any sort of therapy is covered by your insurance. You can also ask the therapist when you call whether they accept your insurance. If you need to pay out of pocket, make sure that that is something you and your spouse both agree on.

Establish Goals

When choosing a marriage counselor, it’s a good idea to establish your goals ahead of time. Decide if you are wanting therapy to stay together and strengthen your relationship. Or if you are looking for therapy to decide to separate. If you want your goal to be staying together, make sure that your counselor is in agreement with that goal and working towards it.

Trust Your Gut

Finally, trust your gut when choosing a marriage counselor. If something feels unprofessional or like it’s not a great fit, move on to somebody else. You should also never feel like your counselor is siding with either one of you. Nobody wants to feel ganged up on, so if it feels like your counselor is taking sides, then they aren’t being professional. Move on to a different therapist that is a better fit. Choosing a marriage counselor is a big decision when it comes to the overall health of your marriage. And marriage counseling doesn’t have to happen because you’re having troubles. It’s a great idea to see a therapist even when things are great. They can help you identify why things are going so well and give you ways to get back to that feeling when things get tougher. Interview several therapists and figure out who is going to be a good fit. Take your budget into consideration and check into your insurance. Establish goals ahead of time with your counselor and make sure they’re working towards them with you. And finally, trust your gut and find a new therapist if things don’t feel like a good fit. Both you and your partner need to feel good about your choice so that you can get the most out of your counseling sessions.