How-to Know if You’re Ready For Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

You are at the point that you are questioning your marriage. Perhaps there has been infidelity, lack of trust, abuse or loss of love. Even though all of the signs point to yes, you are still likely questioning whether or not you should get a divorce. Before making the final decision about divorce, there are things you should think about to know if you’re ready for divorce.

How-to Know if You’re Ready For Divorce: Questions to Consider

Do You Have Feelings for Your Partner?

It is very common for people who want to get a divorce still have feelings for their spouse. However, there has been something that has happened that has caused a lack of closeness and intimacy. If you fall into this category, it may be best to try and work things out with your partner. This could prevent you from pulling the trigger if you really are not ready for divorce. Otherwise, you may end up in a situation where you are are feeling a deep loss, and feel worse off than where you were before.

Are You Just Threatening Divorce?

Some people throw out empty threats of divorce when they are mad, or may think or say things they do not mean during an argument. Other times, people can use the threat of divorce to hold power over the other spouse. This is not a healthy way to to act in a relationship. Holding empty threats over someone makes you loose your credibility for the future, plus it is destructive to the relationship.

If you are truly ready for divorce, you need to be able to be at the point that you feel that way over a sustained period of time. You need to be able to truly say that you are ready to close that chapter of your life. You will need to know there is nothing more you can do or give to this relationship. Also, you will need to be able to discuss this with your spouse without blame.

Are You Ready to Handle the Consequences?

There will certainly be negative consequences from divorce. Many people have dreams of a happy family, but sometimes this is not the case. However, divorce brings pain, perhaps even to your children. Keep in mind that it is not worth staying in an unsafe or unhealthy marriage just to prevent other people feeling pain. Just know that if you are ready for divorce, you have to be ready for the consequences that follow.

For example, if you are only wanting a divorce because you are just bored with your spouse, think these following points through. Are you okay with your lifestyle or finances changing? Can you accept your children’s anger and sadness? Can you accept times of insecurity, fear, or the unknown? Are you willing to mentally and emotionally let go of your spouse? While you will waver with your emotions, you need to know that overall, you will be able to answer “yes” to these things to know you are ready for divorce.

How-to Successfully Move Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Following your divorce, it may be tempting to move somewhere new to get a “fresh start.” However, it may not be all that easy to move post-divorce. As such, it’s good to know what steps you can take to improve your chances of success…

How-to Successfully Move Post-Divorce: Helpful Steps

Consider why you want to move

Before you get your move officially underway, it’s important to consider why exactly you want to move post-divorce. There’s a lot of reasons as to why someone may say they want to move. Some want to start over somewhere new away from where their divorce took place. Others believe that there will be better opportunities for them to start doing what they really love instead.

Still, ask yourself if you really need to move in order to do this. Remember, you can make a lot of those positive changes even if you don’t move. You may also need to make extra considerations about your kids if you’re a co-parent.  You’ll only want to move when you’re certain that it’ll be best for you.

Budget ahead of time

Should you decide to move post-divorce, then you’ll want to start working on a budget. Moving isn’t always cheap, especially if you’re going out-of-state. This can make things a bit complicated when coming off of a divorce. Therefore, it’s good to ensure your finances can handle a move.

Consider not just the expected costs, like down payments or rent, but also any additional living costs as well. This can include extra fees, or things like new furniture, utilities, etc. You’ll also want to factor in moving costs, like moving truck rentals, movers, and gas for longer trips.

Talk to the kids

If you’re a single parent, then one of the hardest things can be getting your kids ready for a move post-divorce. The divorce itself already may have caused a lot of change for them. Now, they may have to leave behind things like the school and friends that they were familiar with.

One way to help your kids deal with this, especially if they’re older, is by getting them involved. Ask them for their thoughts of where they’d like to move, or what they’d want out of a school or community. You should also encourage them to keep in touch with their old friends. This will help them feel like an active part of the move, instead of just an unwilling participant.

How-to Begin Healing from Adultery

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

You feel betrayed, hurt, and confused. You found out that your spouse has been cheating on you behind your back. In the moment, it may feel like this pain and suffering will never end. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will be able to pick up the pieces and move forward. Whether or not you choose to stick it out or part ways with your spouse is up to you. There is no perfect, one-size-fits-all answer. However, it is important to know what steps you can take to begin healing from adultery.

How-to Begin Healing from Adultery: Picking Up the Pieces

Emotions

If you want to start healing from adultery, you will have to work through multiple stages first. You will feel an overwhelming amount of pain and sadness. This could come with swings of emotions where you are angry at your spouse, then yourself, and back to your spouse again. This could all happen within a matter of moments. You will have lost all trust and have shattered dreams for the future.

During this time, do not make any rash decisions. When you are in emotional pain, you will not be able to make wise decisions at this point. Do not jump into wanting to file for divorce, hurting yourself or getting revenge. Wait until your emotions have leveled out, or you may make a decision that you regret, but cannot take back. There is no set time frame as to how long this stage will last. Your spouse will need to be patient with you during this time. The way you work through this stage is unique to you. Lean on others for support or seek a councilor. Make sure to practice self-care, get enough sleep and eat healthy.

Therapy

It will be helpful to get therapy to work through healing from adultery. While you may be tempted to seek help on your own, it may be better to get therapy as a couple if you are considering continuing the marriage. You will have broken trust in your relationship. Seeking help together could help to rebuild this trust. There have already been enough secrets in this marriage. Individual therapy does not work to rebuild that trust. In fact, it may even make things more complicated. If you are wanting to save your marriage, you need to work through things with your spouse and not apart from them. Sometimes it takes one spouse hearing the other spouse saying why he or she is choosing this relationship and marriage versus giving up.

Working on Your Relationship

While the spouse who cheated on the other spouse is completely at fault for the affair, it is good to look at all of the other surrounding factors. Were there things that were broken in the marriage that could be worked on? Perhaps both spouses lost interest in one another. Try and address the things that were broken so that if you do continue the marriage, these things are not a continuous pain point.

It is also important to work on communication. For this to work, you must be able to communicate how you feel. You do not want underlying feelings to pop up 15 years from now about the hurt you have been sweeping under the rug. Being able to communicate openly will also help to rebuild trust.

How to Ease Back Into Dating After a Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Going through a divorce is emotional and stressful. For a long time, you may not be ready to even think about dating again. But when you do decide to get back out there, these tips can help. When you ease back into dating after a divorce, it’s important to remember to take your time. You’ll also want to get out and meet people and be upfront about being a divorcee. Getting back into the dating world can be scary at first, but hopefully, you’ll find your perfect partner!

Ease Back into Dating After a Divorce – Trust Yourself

Take It Slow

Taking it slow is the most important step when you want to ease back into dating after a divorce. This means taking it slow when deciding to start dating. It also means taking it slow with new partners, as well as taking it slow when telling your family that you’re dating again. Before you get back into the dating world, it’s important that you build your confidence back up. Going through a divorce can cause so much mental stress, so it’s important to make sure that you’re in a healthy headspace before bringing somebody new into your life. When you ease back into dating after a divorce, you need to do just that – ease. Take it slow with new dates. Don’t try to rush a relationship into something serious too quickly. Just have fun and enjoy yourself for a while. Your feelings about your ex can change a lot over the course of dating someone new. You might feel nostalgic about your early dates, or get overwhelmed at how much there is to learn about a new person. Try not to get ahead of yourself, and just enjoy the relationship as it grows. Also remember to take it slow when introducing new dates to your family, especially your kids. They probably don’t need to meet every single person you go on a date with. But if things start to feel serious, it’s best to sit them down and let them meet your date.

Get Out There

The best thing you can do when you want to ease back into dating after a divorce is to just get out there and meet people. Online dating is always an option too. But don’t neglect old fashioned meet and greets. Switch up your routine and go to a new coffee shop or gym. Or join a local meetup or sports group. Try and introduce yourself to as many new people as you can when you’re out and about. And don’t forget to ask your friends if they know any available singles! It’s best to be upfront about your breakup when you ease back into dating after a divorce. You can keep it short and simple. For example, “my ex-husband and I are divorced. I wish him well but we just weren’t right for each other.” You don’t have to go into more detail than you’re comfortable with. And try not to trash talk your ex either. You don’t want to give the wrong impression to your new date. There’s no reason to be embarrassed about your status as a divorcee, and talking about your ex in a calm way will show your new date that you’re mature and comfortable with the situation. Deciding to ease back into dating after a divorce is a big decision. Really take time to figure out if you’re ready for it or not. Remember to take it slow when starting to look for dates, as well as with any new partners. Get out there and meet new people, and be upfront about your divorce. Always trust your instincts, and don’t forget that if things don’t feel right, it’s alright to give yourself more time. And of course, have fun!

How to Help a Friend Through a Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

The stress of divorce has been compared to the stress of a family member dying. Watching a friend go through that kind of pain can make you feel helpless. But there are many ways that you can help a friend through a divorce. Including them in everyday activities, being a good listener, and lending a helping hand will show them how much you care about them.

How to Help a Friend Through a Divorce: Be Their Rock

Be a Good Listener

Listening is the most important thing you can do to help a friend through a divorce. Try to remember that you should listen more than you speak. You can offer words of comfort, but try not to monopolize the conversation. If they get emotional, don’t try to force them to speak. Just quietly let them express their feelings. Also, try not to join in on any bashing of their ex-partner. Their feelings will probably change from day-to-day. If you join in on the bashing one day, they may not feel comfortable opening up to you when they are feeling more forgiving another day. Also, if they work things out in the future you’ll never be able to take back the words you said.

Include them in Everyday Activities

Including them in everyday activities is one way to help a friend through a divorce. They might be missing the normalcy of their old life. Therefore, including them in minor activities can make them feel better. For example, taking the kids to soccer practice or inviting them to weeknight dinner at your house. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just a sample of everyday life. But don’t forget the important holidays too! Even if they turn down your invitations, keep inviting them out. They may not have the energy to join in right now, but they’ll appreciate being included all the same.

Lend a Helping Hand

You can really help a friend through a divorce by lending a helping hand. Running a household is difficult, and they are now doing it alone. You can pitch in with chores or running errands. You can also offer to help with childcare! If they are moving because of the divorce, you can help them pack. And don’t forget that divorce comes with a mountain of paperwork. They will probably need your help organizing it and figuring out everything. You can gather information and help them to know what to expect. Even just dropping off a meal can make you a real lifesaver! Your friend is going through so much, anywhere you can help out will help them immensely.

There are many ways to help a friend through a divorce. Being a good listener, including them in things, and lending a helping hand are all great ways to show your support. They are under so much stress and will surely appreciate all you do.

My Husband Cheated On Me: Now What?

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
If your husband cheated on you, you might be feeling absolutely lost on how to move forward. An affair can cause a lot of pain, resentment, and anger. Some couples choose to end their marriage, while others decide to move forward. How you proceed is up to you. But the first thing to do is ensure your own safety with a health checkup. Then, it might be helpful to try to get to the bottom of exactly what happened. Decide how you’re feeling about things and what you would like to do. Then, you can discuss options with your partner and move forward together one way or another. Hopefully, you’ll be able to come to a decision that you both agree on and you can heal from the pain of adultery.

My Husband Cheated On Me: Now What? Deciding How to Move Forward

Safety First

If your husband cheated on you, the first step to take is to protect your own health. You don’t know for sure if the person he slept with is healthy. Or whether or not they had unprotected sex. Make an appointment with your doctor for an STD and HIV screening. While nobody likes to think about these possibilities, your health comes first.

Get the Whole Truth

Now that you are taking care of your safety, it’s time to get to the bottom of exactly what happened. Try to find out if it was a one-time thing or a full-fledged affair. Be firm about what the consequences are if he lies again to you by not giving you the full story. Try to get to the bottom of why your husband cheated in the first place.

Decide How You Feel

If your husband cheated on you, it’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions. You don’t have to give him an answer about the future right away. Instead, take some time to process your feelings and decide how you want to move forward. Do you think you’d be able to trust him again? Or do you want to end things? You don’t know what course of action he’ll want to take. But figuring out how you’d like to proceed can at least give you a starting point.

Moving Forward

Once you know how you want to proceed, discuss it with your husband. Hopefully you’ll be on the same page, but you might not be. Sometimes affairs happen because there are deep-seated issues in a marriage. Or maybe your husband cheated because it seemed the marriage was ending naturally anyway. None of these are excuses, but they can help you decide how to move forward. If you both want to end the marriage, hopefully you can proceed with a healthy divorce. If you both are wanting to work on things, marriage counseling can be very helpful. If your husband cheated on you, it can create a loss of trust and a lot of pain. Affairs hurt everybody involved, and can leave lasting scars that you carry into future relationships. Give yourself some time to process your feelings before deciding how you want to move forward. However, prioritize your health by getting checked out by your doctor. Then, try to get to the bottom of the story. After you know the details, you can decide how you’d like to move forward and then discuss it with your partner. Hopefully you’ll be on the same page one way or the other. If you want to work things out, you’ll both have to recommit to your relationship. If you want to break up, the best thing you can do is hire an experienced attorney as soon as possible to make your divorce as quick and painless as possible.

Surviving Relationship Abuse: Physical and Emotional

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Surviving relationship abuse doesn’t just mean getting out of the partnership safely, it also means getting the help you need to heal physically and emotionally from the ordeal. Abuse can take many forms. It can look like physical abuse in the form of hitting, slapping, choking, or sexual assault. Or it can be emotional and look like isolation or gaslighting. Abuse can escalate into more and more extreme forms of violence and can even be deadly. Find support if you are in an abusive relationship, and start making an emergency plan. Additionally, begin considering how to exit the relationship safely. Finally, when you are free from your abuser, find the support you need to heal from wounds, both physical and emotional. Hopefully, you can move on to a more healthy relationship in the future.

Surviving Relationship Abuse: Physical and Emotional

Find Support

Surviving relationship abuse is easier if you can build a support network around yourself. This means finding people that believe in you and who will keep your confidence. Speak to a friend or family member you trust about what is happening in your relationship. They might be able to offer you a safe place to stay, a sympathetic ear, money to help you get away, or connections to support networks for domestic abuse.

Create an Emergency Plan

Another important thing to remember is that things can escalate quickly. Especially if the abuse is already physical. It’s best to have an emergency plan in case things ever get out of control. Decide where the safest place in the house is where you can put a locked door between yourself and your abuser. More importantly, arrange for a safe place outside of your house that you and any children can go to at a moment’s notice if needed.

Exit the Relationship

Surviving relationship abuse is really all about getting away safely and exiting the relationship. Abusers do not stop on their own. Abuse often escalates into more and more extreme forms. The only way to ensure your safety is to get away from your abuser once and for all. If you are in an abusive marriage, begin speaking with an experienced attorney about divorce options. In some cases, proving abuse can impact your divorce timeline and outcome.

Find Help For Healing

Finally, surviving relationship abuse isn’t just about getting away. It’s also about healing and moving on to more healthy relationships. Reach out to a therapist, or consider looking into support networks for survivors of domestic violence. Healing can be both physical and emotional. The wounds that abusers create can last many years, but there is support available. Surviving relationship abuse is no small feat. Whether you are suffering from physical abuse from a partner or emotional abuse, the healing process can take a long time. Abuse is all about control, and unfortunately, abusers don’t stop on their own. They might escalate into more extreme forms of abuse or violence. To ensure that you are safe, you must make a plan to get away from your abuser once and for all. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member, and create an emergency plan. Then, work on exiting the relationship safely and healing from the experience. Hopefully, you can find the support you need to move on to a happier life and a more healthy relationship in the future.

Divorce Gets Easier, Right?

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
If you are in the throes of the divorce process, you might be wondering if divorce gets easier. It can be hard to see the finish line when you’re dealing with a contentious ex, tons of paperwork, and legal fees. However, the good news is that divorce does get easier as time goes by and you begin to adjust to your new life. You’ll also get better and better at co-parenting as time goes on and you and your ex get used to this new relationship. You might even find that you can become more comfortable being around each other. However, it’s important to take the time you need to process the divorce. And if you are struggling with anxiety or depression, speak up and reach out to get the support you need. Divorce is hard on everybody, but there is an end in sight.

Divorce Gets Easier, Right? Easing Your Anxiety

Getting Through the Actual Process

Divorce gets easier when you are finally through the tedious process itself. The actual process of divorce is exhausting. Splitting up assets, deciding custody, asking for support payments. All of it is typically fraught with emotion and highly contentious. Plus, it’s expensive. When your divorce is final, you should begin to feel less stress. Keep your eyes on that goal.

Learning a New Way of Life

While your divorce gets easier, transitioning to your new post-divorce way of life can also be a big adjustment. You’ll probably be facing a different housing situation, different daily routine, and different financial situation. Plus, you’re probably missing your ex at times, feeling angry at other times, and everything in between. As time goes on, you’ll get used to this new life until it feels like your new normal.

Learning to Co-Parent

Time can also heal some wounds between exes. If you have children, figuring out custody can have a steep learning curve. Anything involving your children probably comes with some heightened emotions. Divorce gets easier when you and your ex can learn to co-parent healthily. Try to put aside your bitter feelings and focus on working together for the sake of your kids.

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is that yes, divorce gets easier. However, that doesn’t mean that you won’t have to put in some work. Take the time you need to process your feelings about the break-up. Talk to a therapist or close friend about how you’re feeling about things. And practice healthy habits like getting plenty of sleep and maintaining a social life. If you are struggling to move on, reach out to your doctor or therapist for support. Divorce is an overwhelmingly emotional experience, and you don’t have to go through it alone. While it might feel like a never-ending process, divorce gets easier with time. The stress and anxiety will ease and you’ll begin to move forward into the next chapter of life. But it can feel very overwhelming when you’re going through it. Try to remind yourself that there is an end in sight, and remember that the process itself won’t last forever. You’ll adjust to your new way of life, and hopefully, you’ll also learn to interact with your ex without tension. This will ease your co-parenting relationship if you share children. All in all, divorce does get easier, but it takes time. And it takes some healing and self-care on your part. Reach out to a friend, family member, doctor, or therapist if you find that you are overwhelmed by the divorce process, or are struggling to move on.

The Four Co-parenting C’s

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

There are plenty of mistakes that every co-parent will make. After all, we’re all new to this at some point in time, and there are always growing pains. The key to being a good co-parent, is keeping a few key goals in mind. From communication, to compromise, and beyond— the Four Co-parenting C’s are something every divorced parent must observe, and perfect, to become the co-parent we all want to be. No one said it’s easy, but it’s undeniably worth it.

The Four Co-parenting C’s to Perfect for Your Kids 

Cooperation

When it comes to mastering co-parenting, cooperation is at the center of it all. While you two divorced for a reason, you also have to find ways to put that aside for your children. You’ll have to manage school, appointments, birthday parties, family gatherings, sick days, pick-up and drop-off, and many manyother things as a unit. The key to successful cooperation, is to plan ahead of time— but also be flexible. The more committed you are to cooperating for your kids, the more likely you are to be successful at it.

Compromise

One of the most difficult things to do as a divorced parent, and co-parent, is to compromise with your former spouse. No matter how hard we try, it’s extremely easy to be spiteful when it comes to your ex, even when kids are involved. But, as a parent, you always have to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Maybe this weekend was supposed to be yours, but your former spouse’s mother has fallen extremely ill. Your ex asks if you will let the child spend the weekend with them so they can visit in the hospital. 

While your instinct might be to say no out of spite, consider if it was the other way around. Your mother is ill, she might pass, and you want your child to be able to say goodbye. By giving a little in the right moments, you and your former spouse might be able to form a new kind of respect, and become better co-parents in the long run.

Consistency

As we’ve mentioned, there will always be growing pains as you learn how to co-parent outside of a marriage, but consistency is key. By maintaining routines for your child from one household to the other, you give them a sense of security that might have been wavering after the separation. By setting uniform expectations, you make things easier for your children. Not to mention, you also avoid that infamous “but, Mom/Dad lets me…”

Communication

We always save this one for last because it’s the most important, and the most difficult to master. Chances are, your inability to communicate with one another played at least a small part in your divorce. So, how are we supposed to get better at it now? Quite simply put, because you have to. In communicating effectively, you set a strong example for your children and avoid conflict. Conduct yourselves in a business-like fashion because, after all, you’re colleagues in the business of raising your children. So, be courteous to the co-parent as if they are a co-worker.
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As you consider the Four Co-parenting C’s, you might begin to discover what you’ve been excelling at. Furthermore, you might also discover what you need to work on. Every parent, whether divorced or together, can inevitably improve their tactics in one way or another— and there’s no shame in saying it. However, there is admirability in admitting your faults and improving upon them.

Household Transitions: Post-Divorce Adjustments

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Having to adapt to two different households can be tough for your kids after your divorce. As a result, it’s important to try and make those household transitions easier for your children. After all, this is completely new to every one of you. Taking time and consideration will help them a lot with going in-between you and your ex’s homes…

Household Transitions: Make Them Easier

Go over your schedule

You won’t want your kids to be caught off guard by a household transition. Not knowing when they’ll need to go from one home to the other can be a source of great anxiety for them. Rather, it’s best you talk to them ahead of time about the schedule you and your co-parent are working on.

Doing this will help your kids better prepare for making these transitions. Plus, it’s very easy to help them keep track, especially when you’re first starting out. A simple calendar can be all they need to easily keep track of when they’re going to make the switch to the other household.

 Avoid making them keep a bag

It’s pretty natural for us to pack a bag when we’re making a trip. In this context, however, it’s probably best that you make it so your kids won’t need to do so. Having them pack a bag of their stuff each time they go between homes can make these household transitions a lot harder on them.

Basically, this causes their homes to not really feel like a home. Rather, they’ll constantly feel like they have one foot out the door. It can also be stressful if they forget something at another house. Instead, you should both make it so there’s very little your kids will need when they go from one house to the other.

Avoid changeover conflict

For parents, the tricky part of household transitions can be having to be together again. Depending on your co-parenting relationship, these meetups can be potential points of contention for the both of you. This is especially true if there was something related to the kids that you recently disagreed on.

Still, you want to avoid any conflict during these transitions. Not only will it be bad for your co-parenting goals, but it’ll also be bad for the kids as well. Save those types of conversations for another time so your kids won’t be caught up in the blow back.