Negative Divorce Behavior

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can leave you stressed and confused, even if it’s amicable. This can potentially cause you to engage in some negative divorce behavior. Avoiding this behavior is crucial for getting through your divorce as smoothly as possible…

Negative Divorce Behavior: Avoiding Nasty Habits

Refusing to talk

Communication problems are an example of negative divorce behavior which can really set you back. Understandably, if you feel hurt because of the divorce, you might not want to talk to your ex all that much. This is especially true if things ended on very negative terms. However, this can end up making things difficult for you.

Being able to communicate with your ex means you can both work on the divorce outcome. You can come to an agreement which works for you both much easier when you can communicate. Still, you might not be up for face-to-face meetings yet. In that case, you can use things like email or phone calls to get the job done.

Place unfair blame

Playing the “blame game” is also another type of negative divorce behavior to avoid. The problem with placing blame is that it’s a very natural response to divorce. After all, it’s easy to say that your ex is behind all the reasons why things didn’t work out. Still, this is going to have some negative side-effects for you and your divorce.

For starters, it’s going to make it hard for your ex to want to talk to you if you blame them all the time. Also, it means you aren’t reflecting on what you might have done yourself that contributed to the divorce. Remember, a marriage is a two-person matter; both of you need to be able to reflect and learn from what’s happened.

Rushing to move on

You probably want to move on from your divorce as soon as you can. However, you have to be careful not to rush too quickly. Trying to rush to get through everything is a form of negative divorce behavior that many people tend to struggle with.

For instance, they might try and rush through the divorce, which usually leaves them without the outcome they wanted. Sometimes, they might rush into dating again too soon, in an effort to replace the loneliness they feel. Instead, it’s much better to take your time and handle things right, rather than by rushing.

Sharing Spring Break Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Spring break is a fun week off of school for kids. The weather is finally getting a little warmer and it allows for a nice break before the rush of the end of the school year. While most plan for spring break all year with a trip to the beach or an amusement park, some families are sharing spring break for the first time.

As we approach the mid-semester break, let’s discuss the issues that you may be facing for the first time since your separation or divorce.

Sharing Spring Break: First Year Adjustments 

First Time Traveling With(out) You

Maybe your ex has a trip planned for part of spring break. When she mentioned the idea of taking the kids a few hours away for a couple of days, it seemed like no big deal. But, as the day came closer, you’re starting to have second thoughts. Unless there are safety concerns, relax and let your children enjoy their vacation. It might be the first, but it won’t be the last. Sharing spring break means your turn is coming; just look forward to getting to spend that time together.

New Significant Others

Before sharing your new significant other with your children, please remember your ex-spouse and how they will feel. Often times, school breaks coincide with trips that your new significant other will be joining you on. Sharing spring break (and sharing your children) means you’ll need to get permission from your ex before you continue with this. 

Conversely, if your ex wants to bring their new significant other on their vacation with the kids, think about how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. Keep in mind, each family and situation is different and there is no definite timeline to follow.

Spending Spring Break with Friends

As children grow, there is a chance they will want to spend spring break with a friend’s family on their vacation. This is normal, but might be tough. You may both have to agree to let your child spend spring break away from you. Sometimes, sharing spring break doesn’t necessarily mean with just your ex!

Keep in mind your custody agreements with your ex and the arrangements you have for weekly custody. Traveling outside of these agreements could create legal issues. Sharing spring break is a good way to enjoy stress-free time with your children. Make sure to communicate with your ex to create a smooth week. This is a good time to understand the details of your agreements and enjoy quality time with your kids!

Can Sleep Divorce Save Your Marriage?

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Sleep divorce is a growing trend where couples sleep in separate beds or bedrooms. For a long time, the norm was for couples to sleep in separate beds, and trends in co-sleeping differ across cultures. If you and your partner have different sleeping styles, preferences, or schedules, it can disrupt your sleep to share a bed. Lack of sleep can lead to irritability, resentment, and relationship trouble. So for many, choosing to sleep in separate bedrooms actually improves their marriage. However, it’s important to note that while there are benefits to having your own sleeping space, there can also be some drawbacks. For example, you might have money or space constraints. Additionally, it can dampen your intimacy unless you and your partner put in effort to keep the spark alive. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make, but it’s important that both partners be on the same page. Otherwise, it can create insecurities or resentment. Hopefully, you and your spouse can weigh the options and decide what sleeping arrangement is best for you.

Can Sleep Divorce Save Your Marriage: Separate Bed Might Be the Key to Relationship Bliss

What Does It Mean?

Sleep divorce, sleep separation, or alternative sleeping arrangements all refer to the idea of spouses sleeping in different beds or bedrooms. Different cultures have always had different norms when it comes to cohabitation, and trends come and go. While it’s often seen as a symbol of intimacy in a marriage to share a bed, the reality is that sometimes that’s not an ideal sleeping situation for both partners.

Why Do It?

The trend of sleep divorce is gaining popularity in recent years, although the stigma of the word divorce can still leave some couples nervous about trying it. However, sleep is incredibly important for our overall physical and mental health. If you and your partner work different shifts, you can experience a lot of disruptions to your sleep. Similarly, if your partner prefers a cold bedroom, darker bedroom, white noise, etc when sleeping, those preferences don’t always match up. Couples also struggle with sleep if one partner snores loudly, uses a CPAP machine, or tosses and turns frequently.

Pros

If you and your partner struggle with having different sleeping preferences, or otherwise disrupt one another’s rest, separate bedrooms or beds might allow you both to get a more restful night’s sleep. You can stretch out and have more personal space, have your bedroom exactly the way you like it, and sleep without disturbances from your partner. Additionally, you might become more intentional about intimacy and begin to reconnect more as a couple.

Cons

While there are many positive to sleep divorce, there can also be some drawbacks to consider. For example, for many there are space or financial constraints. It can be difficult to find room in your house for two separate beds or bedrooms. You might also find that it can be lonely going to bed without your partner. And of course, for some, it can lead to a decrease in intimacy. Things like cuddling and physical touch are important in a relationship, and you and your spouse will have to make extra effort to bring those things into your marriage if you are sleeping separately.

When considering whether or not a sleep divorce is the right option for you, it’s important that both partners be on the same page. If only one of you wants the separation, it can lead to insecurities, loneliness, and resentment from the other partner who might feel abandoned. And sleeping separately can decrease your intimacy with one another if you aren’t intentional about connecting. However, if you both are open to the idea, sleeping separately can have a lot of positive effects on your relationship. Getting better rest means that you both will have more energy for your relationship without any resentment over poor sleep. For many, the idea of sleeping separately feels stigmatized. However, if it’s the best option for your relationship, it isn’t really anybody else’s b

Post-Divorce Budget: Managing Your Money

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Getting your new life after your divorce going is easier said than done. In fact, there’s a few things you’ll need to do beforehand. Most notably, this includes setting up a post-divorce budget. Having a good budget can really help you avoid financial stress and begin your new life on the right foot…

Post-Divorce Budget: How To Adapt

Revisit your old one

The building blocks of your post-divorce budget can really come from the old one you had. Now, you’ll certainly have to make some adjustments. After all, you’re probably going from having two sources of income, to only yours. However, there might also be some expenses which you don’t have to worry about, or maybe even some new ones to consider.

Plus, there’s a pretty easy way of visualizing this starter budget. Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper, and have one side be for your income, and another for expenses. Fill each side out, and then add the totals up at the bottom. This quick draft budget can help you see if your finances are in good shape, or if you need to make some changes.

Focus on the necessities

If you find that your post-divorce budget isn’t looking so good, then it’s time to make some cutbacks. That means that you’ll have to focus on the necessities over the more optional things. Basically, you’ll want to prioritize your needs (clothing, food, shelter, and transport) over your wants.

Still, even for your needs, you don’t have to go crazy. For instance, you might need clothes, but that isn’t an excuse to go on a big upscale shopping spree. Buy the things you can comfortably afford, and cut out those other things which are just draining money. This can help you balance out your budget.

Avoid big purchases

A big purchase can really mess with your post-divorce budget. For example, you might be tempted to move to a new house or get a new car as a sort-of kick starter for your new life. However, these kinds of purchases can really hurt your wallet, and leave you stuck in a worse situation in the long run.

Post-Divorce Boundaries: Making Changes

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce brings about a lot of changes. One of the changes that can be quite hard to adjust to is the new boundaries. What might’ve been “normal” before can become intrusive or unwelcome. Therefore, it’s time to set some post-divorce boundaries between you and your former spouse. What feels right? What needs a change? And how can these boundaries help you improve your quality of life? Everyone is different, as are there needs. So, it’s time to find what works for you.

Post-Divorce Boundaries: Setting What Feels Right

Spousal Boundaries

The first post-divorce boundaries that people will look to set is with their former spouse. It can feel like there’s so many things that have to be change that it can seem overwhelming. However, it all depends on what you and your spouse feel comfortable with. For example, if you both feel comfortable talking to each other, you can still keep doing so.

But, if things get uncomfortable, or if you’re dealing with an angry spouse, than you’ll probably want to set some post-divorce boundaries. This can be talking only through text/phone calls, or through your lawyers. This similar approach can be applied to other areas like living arrangements and child visitation. Figure out what you and your spouse are comfortable with, and set the boundaries as they become needed.

Boundaries For Personal Obligations

Another set of divorce boundaries to consider are those for personal obligations. Divorce can be draining, and other activities can take up time and energy you might need for it. That’s why it helps to set boundaries for your obligations. Focus on figuring out what you really like and consider taking a break from the rest. This can include things like projects, clubs, and volunteer work. Most people will understand that you need a break while your divorce is going on, and you can add them back into your schedule once the divorce is over.

Boundaries For Friends and Family

Your friends and family can be a great source of support while going through a divorce. However, there can be things about your divorce you don’t want to discuss with them. This is where it helps to establish post-divorce boundaries for them. If your friends or family offer unsolicited advice, it’s okay to tell them something like “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to talk about that right now”. Don’t be afraid to be a bit more direct too if they don’t get the message. It’s best to let them know where the boundaries are now so they don’t keep crossing over them inadvertently.

Your divorce is your business. Setting post-divorce boundaries can help make sure you keep it that way. Not only will it make you feel more comfortable, but setting these boundaries will help you have a sense of control over what can be an uneasy time.

Second Marriage Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Getting remarried can be exciting, but for a lot of couples, it’ll end in divorce again. There’s a few different reasons behind second marriage divorce. Knowing the reasons can help you see where most of these second attempts go wrong…

Second Marriage Divorce: Why They Occur

Marrying for the wrong reasons

One common reason for second marriage divorce is when people get married for the wrong reasons. After a divorce, people tend to feel pretty lonely and have low self-esteem. This can make them cling onto the first person who shows them any interest.

A person might do this, despite not knowing this other person all to well. However, due to not wanting to be alone, they may try and rush into a new marriage, thinking they’re in love. Eventually, the reality sets in, and they realize things aren’t going to work out.

Issues from the past

Baggage from the previous marriage is also a common reason for second marriage divorce. Understandably, getting divorced is going to have a bit of an impact. For example, it might make you reluctant to open up to your partner. Or, you might constantly worry that they’re going to cheat on you.

This baggage can make it hard for a second marriage to succeed. If you’re constantly doubting or hiding things from your partner, they’re going to feel like you don’t appreciate or trust them. This can eventually reach the point where another divorce is on the horizon.

Experience from before

Previous divorce experience can make a second marriage divorce more likely to occur. The thing is, if you’ve divorced already, then you know what it’s like. Odds are, you’ve learned some pretty important lessons about what you should or shouldn’t do. This can make the process not that scary anymore.

Therefore, if your new marriage isn’t going how you like, then you won’t be as afraid of divorce like you were in the past. Instead, you know what you need to do and how to get through it in one piece. Rather than being stuck in another bad marriage, you’ll be more willing to cut it off and keep looking.

Divorce Fears: Facing Uncertainty

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be a pretty intimidating thing, even if you’ve given it a lot of thought. It’s not uncommon to have some divorce fears because of this. However, it is possible to overcome these worries, and pull off a divorce you’ll be confident in…

Divorce Fears: Common Worries

Spouse reacting poorly

One of the divorce fears which is common has to do with breaking the news to one’s spouse. Many people worry about how their partner will take the news. Some are afraid that they’ll get very angry at them. Others worry they’ll react in some other emotional way that they won’t know how to handle.

The thing is, you won’t know how they’ll react until you tell them. Still, you can make it much more likely for them to react in a more understanding manner. Plus, if you can keep things calm, and show a willingness to listen to what they have to say, that can also help prevent things from getting out of hand.

Too much to handle

Another one of the common divorce fears is that divorce will be overwhelming. There’s going to be a lot of different things that you’ll have to figure out while divorce. That’ll include things like co-parenting plans, who will get what, potential moves, etc. There’s also matters related to the divorce, such as if you’ll need to take time off of work or even find a new job.

All of these can feel impossible to manage at first. But it’s important to not let those fears take over. Instead, take some time and really hash out all of these details one at a time. Once you develop basic plans for each of them, they become a lot easier to manage.

Uncertain future

Divorce fears can even extend into what’ll happen once the divorce is over. In fact, most people are worried about how uncertain things will be. Usually, this comes with thoughts about if they made the right decision, or how things like future relationships will go.

Much like with those fears about bringing divorce up, there’s no way to see the future. However, what you can do is work on making the post-divorce life you want a reality. Taking those proper steps once your divorce is over can help put those fears to rest and instead make you optimistic for what’s ahead.

What is a healthy divorce?

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

A healthy divorce is one where both parties walk away feeling like they have closure without resentment. The divorce process can be difficult and painful, but it is possible to keep things amicable. And if you share custody of children, it’s all the more reason to try your best to keep things friendly. You’ll be coordinating things for your kids together for the rest of your lives, and the sooner you can begin to establish a healthy coparenting relationship the better for you and your children. Try to present a united front when it comes to your kids, and set aside bitterness and anger for their sake. Additionally, when you are negotiating the terms of your divorce settlement, try to look at the bigger picture instead of trying to “win” the divorce. Avoid trash talking about your ex, because it can wind up hurting your case and causing issues for your children. And finally, hire an attorney to ensure that you’re getting the best representation, and so that they can help you navigate this difficult process. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to keep things civil and each walk away from your marriage with respect towards one another.

Healthy Divorce: How to Walk Away with Dignity

Be a Team When It Comes to Parenting

One of the most important things you can focus on to have a healthy divorce is to parent as a team. Present a united front with your children, and reassure them that you both love them the same and will be a part of their lives. Don’t try to win your children over by spoiling them or upsetting their schedules, and instead, try to keep things consistent across your houses. Discuss parenting decisions together with the children’s happiness and well-being as your absolute top priority.

Negotiate Without Trying to “Win”

One aspect of a healthy divorce is that both parties go into it with a goal of settling things peacefully. If you each go into your divorce with a mindset of wanting to “win,” it’s going to instantly antagonize you against one another. Don’t get hung up on the details, or trying to win petty disagreements. Decide on a few key things that you want to focus on and let the rest go. You aren’t going to walk away with everything you want, compromise is an important part of this process.

Avoid Trash Talking

Avoiding trash talking is one of the easiest ways to help promote a healthy divorce. When you badmouth your ex, you run the risk of them finding out and making things much more contentious. Additionally, it can hurt your case if you’re in a custody battle, because a judge wants to see that you can coparent peacefully. Finally, if you have children, it can be especially harmful to speak ill of their parent (your ex) in front of them. They love you both equally, and hearing you disparage their other parent can be confusing, stressful, and emotionally painful for them.

Hire Help

Finally, if you want to navigate divorce the smoothest way possible, hire help. An experienced divorce attorney can expedite the process and ensure that you have the best support possible when it comes to arguing your case. If other professionals are needed, like forensic accountants, your attorney can help coordinate that. Additionally, it can be helpful to speak to a licensed therapist or counselor during this time for emotional support. And if you and your ex plan to coparent, a counselor can also see you together in order to help lay the groundwork for a peaceful coparenting relationship.

We all know that divorces can get very ugly and bring out the worst in people. However, it is possible to have a healthy divorce where both people walk away with some satisfaction and overall respect for one another. But you’ll both have to be committed to keeping things civil, even when difficult issues arise. If you have children, always present a united front for their sake, and try to set aside petty differences or old wounds for the sake of their wellbeing. Learning to coparent peacefully will be the most emotionally beneficial thing you can do for your kids. Try to go into the divorce with a mindset of compromise rather than wanting to beat your spouse at the negotiations. Avoid badmouthing

How to Communicate with Your Ex After Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

If you are still needing to communicate with your ex after divorce, it can take some getting used to. People often have to learn to navigate this if they share custody of children that they now co-parent. It can be hard to remember that you have moved from a romantic relationship to a more business-like partnership. It’s normal to have some awkwardness and false starts at first, but hopefully, you’ll figure out the best way to communicate with one another without rehashing old drama. It’s helpful to find the mode of communication that works best for you. It’s also important to always be respectful, even when you are disagreeing about things. Stay on point and don’t let yourself get side-tracked into old conversations that just re-open wounds. And finally, know when to call it quits and take a break from the conversation. Hopefully, you and your ex are both committed to making your co-parenting relationship a smooth one, and learning to communicate effectively will help that in many ways.

How to Communicate with Your Ex After Divorce: Avoiding Drama

Find the Best Form of Communication

If you will need to communicate with your ex after divorce, it’s best to find the right form of communication. For many, texting isn’t a good idea, at least at first. Because you aren’t able to hear the other person’s tone of voice through text, it can often lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings. If this is the case, consider switching to only phone calls instead. At least until you are a little less emotionally heated around one another.

Be Respectful

It’s also important to remember to always be respectful when you communicate with your ex after divorce. It’s natural to want to bring up old arguments or rehash history. However, if you didn’t agree when you were a couple, chances are you won’t agree now on things. So it’s best to simply move forward and keep things civil. Try to be open minded and listen when your ex talks, even if the things they are saying make you feel emotional. Getting overly heated in situations is likely going to backfire and make them dig in their heels even more solidly.

Stay on Point

While it can be difficult, it’s important to keep things short and direct when you communicate with your ex after divorce. Try not to get side-tracked talking about unrelated things. Instead, treat your relationship like a business interaction. Be direct, polite, and keep it short. Gather your thoughts beforehand so that you know what all you need to talk about, and stay on point.

Know When to Pause

Finally, if you’re talking to your ex, it’s important to know when to walk away from a conversation. If things get heated and you begin to feel emotional about the conversation, take a pause. Don’t let yourself get sucked into a full-blown argument. Your ex knows how to push your buttons better than almost anybody else in the world. If the conversation isn’t leading anywhere productive, say so and end it. Let your ex know that you’ll consider their opinion and you all can talk about it after you sleep on things. Hopefully, that’ll give you both time to cool down and approach the situation from a more neutral perspective.

Having to communicate with your ex after divorce is pretty common if you share custody of children and are becoming co-parents. However, just because it’s normal doesn’t make it easy. For many, there is a steep learning curve. It’s especially difficult to communicate with them while the divorce pain is still fresh. But the idea is that over time, you’ll both be able to have a conversation without getting too heated or emotional. Figure out what form of communication works best for you, and stick to that as much as possible. Try to always remember to be respectful, even when you are disagreeing about things. Keep in mind that your children will thrive the most if they have co-parents that can get along. So try to put aside old pettiness for their sake. Stay on point and keep it short and direct. And finally, if the conversation turns into an argument, hit the pause button to prevent things from getting too heated. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to navigate through this difficult transitional period and become respectful and cooperative co-parents.

Finding the Right Marriage Counselor

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Finding the right marriage counselor is important if you and your spouse are beginning couples therapy. Whether you’re going through a bit of a rough patch, or you’re simply trying to create a stronger foundation, therapy can be hugely beneficial. Your counselor will give you tools to help you improve your communication, build trust, and work through conflict together. But you have to make sure that the therapist is a good fit for both partners. First, you’ll need to consider your budget. Then, discuss availability and make sure that a potential therapist can meet when you need them to. Make sure they are well qualified with couples with similar situations. And finally, the counselor has to be a good fit for you both and somebody that you can open up to and be vulnerable with. You might need to take some time meeting with different therapist before you find the professional that’s the right fit for you as a couple.

Finding the Right Marriage Counselor for Both of You

Within Your Budget

One of the first things to consider when finding the right marriage counselor is your budget. Therapy is not cheap. And sometimes your health insurance can cover a portion or even all of it. It’s definitely worth calling your insurance provider and asking. However, if you’ll be paying out of pocket, you’ll need to decide ahead of time what your budget is for therapy. Ask any professionals you meet with how they bill and what the cost is per session.

Availability that Suits Your Schedule

Another factor to consider when finding the right marriage counselor is availability. While no therapist is going to always be available, it is important to make sure that they have some time in their schedule for new clients. You don’t want the physical act of going to therapy to become a stress in your life. So try to find somebody that is nearby and can meet at the times of day that you and your partner are available.

Qualified

Of course, experience matters when it comes to most professions. While newer therapists can be very well trained, it’s important to make sure that they have the right credentials to be treating patients. For example, a therapist should be licensed by a state board. They might be a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), or a Psychologist (PHD, PsyD, EdD), among other options.

Compatibility

Finally, finding the right marriage counselor means finding the right counselor for BOTH partners. While you might feel comfortable with one person, it’s important to make sure that it’s a good fit for your spouse as well. Otherwise, they won’t feel comfortable enough to open up and be vulnerable. Therapy of any kind relies on a good deal of trust between the patient and therapist. Sometimes, it can take a few tries to find the counselor that’s the right fit for both of you. Be patient and don’t be afraid to switch and try a new counselor if things aren’t working out.

Finding the right marriage counselor can be a process of trial and error. You don’t always end up with exactly the right professional on the first try. Be patient and meet with a few different people to see who you and your spouse connect with more. Make sure that they are within your budget, and that they have some availability that suits your schedules. You also want to check their qualifications, and experience. Finally, make sure that both you and your partner feel comfortable opening up to the counselor you choose. Even if things are going well in your marriage, going to couples counseling can still be very useful. Your therapist will walk you through how to cope with stressful times as a couple, how to manage conflict, and how to communicate more effectively with one another. Hopefully you can find the counselor that’s the right fit for you and continue to seek their advice throughout your marriage.