How to Tell Your Children About Your Divorce

Figuring out how to tell your children about your divorce might be one of the hardest conversations you can imagine. It’s important to use age-appropriate language and make sure that they understand as much as they need to. If your children are very young, babies or toddlers, you’ll need to remember their developmental ages when telling them. Similarly, even though elementary-age children have more vocabulary, it’s still hard for them to grasp adult topics like this. Middle schoolers are prone to anger and moodiness already, and a divorce can make this even worse. And finally, high schoolers and beyond are luckily more able to process their feelings, but will probably still need some guidance. Whenever and however you choose to tell your children about your divorce, make sure that you keep their age in mind.

How to Tell Your Children About Your Divorce: An Age Guide

Babies and Toddlers

If you want to tell your children about your divorce and they are very young, you’ll need to use language that they understand. Young babies and toddlers don’t really understand what is going on. However, they might realize that one parent is gone now. Reassure them that the parent didn’t leave them, but rather the grownups are dealing with grown-up issues. Reassure them that both parents still love them very much.

Elementary

If you want to tell your children about your divorce and they are at an elementary age, they are more able to process what divorce means. However, they’re still unlikely to fully understand all the implications. Children this age are very prone to blaming themselves. It’s incredibly important to reassure them that the divorce has nothing to do with them and that they are very loved by both parents. You’ll want to reassure them frequently about this.

Middle School

Middle schoolers are often already moody and angry as young teenagers. If you tell your children about your divorce at this age, you’re likely to see some added moodiness. Young teens often have a hard time opening up about their feelings to their parents. It might be a good idea to set them up with a counselor or therapist who can help guide them through their feelings while they process the news. Kids this age are also very prone to blaming one parent over the other. You’ll still want to reassure them that they are in no way to blame for the divorce.

High School and Beyond

If you want to tell your children about your divorce and they are older, high school, college, or adults, you’ll at least know that they understand truly what it means. However, just because they are fellow adults doesn’t mean that they need to hear any dirty laundry. Whatever the issues are between you and your ex, they need to stay there. Try not to involve your children any more than is necessary. Even though they are older, it is still unfair to encourage them to take sides in a divorce. The decision to tell your children about your divorce is a difficult one. But no matter their age, they deserve to hear it directly from you and your partner in a face-to-face meeting. Stay calm when telling them, give them plenty of time to process, and answer any questions. Whether you are telling a young preschooler, elementary schooler, middle schooler, high schooler, college student, or adult you’ll want to keep their age and development in mind. Keep things as simple as you can while bearing in mind the ways that children their age process things. No matter what their age is, you’ll need to reassure them that the divorce was not their fault. And of course, no matter your children’s age, they always need to be told that they are loved.