Post-Divorce Boundaries: Making Changes

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce brings about a lot of changes. One of the changes that can be quite hard to adjust to is the new boundaries. What might’ve been “normal” before can become intrusive or unwelcome. Therefore, it’s time to set some post-divorce boundaries between you and your former spouse. What feels right? What needs a change? And how can these boundaries help you improve your quality of life? Everyone is different, as are there needs. So, it’s time to find what works for you.

Post-Divorce Boundaries: Setting What Feels Right

Spousal Boundaries

The first post-divorce boundaries that people will look to set is with their former spouse. It can feel like there’s so many things that have to be change that it can seem overwhelming. However, it all depends on what you and your spouse feel comfortable with. For example, if you both feel comfortable talking to each other, you can still keep doing so.

But, if things get uncomfortable, or if you’re dealing with an angry spouse, than you’ll probably want to set some post-divorce boundaries. This can be talking only through text/phone calls, or through your lawyers. This similar approach can be applied to other areas like living arrangements and child visitation. Figure out what you and your spouse are comfortable with, and set the boundaries as they become needed.

Boundaries For Personal Obligations

Another set of divorce boundaries to consider are those for personal obligations. Divorce can be draining, and other activities can take up time and energy you might need for it. That’s why it helps to set boundaries for your obligations. Focus on figuring out what you really like and consider taking a break from the rest. This can include things like projects, clubs, and volunteer work. Most people will understand that you need a break while your divorce is going on, and you can add them back into your schedule once the divorce is over.

Boundaries For Friends and Family

Your friends and family can be a great source of support while going through a divorce. However, there can be things about your divorce you don’t want to discuss with them. This is where it helps to establish post-divorce boundaries for them. If your friends or family offer unsolicited advice, it’s okay to tell them something like “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t want to talk about that right now”. Don’t be afraid to be a bit more direct too if they don’t get the message. It’s best to let them know where the boundaries are now so they don’t keep crossing over them inadvertently.

Your divorce is your business. Setting post-divorce boundaries can help make sure you keep it that way. Not only will it make you feel more comfortable, but setting these boundaries will help you have a sense of control over what can be an uneasy time.

Second Marriage Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Getting remarried can be exciting, but for a lot of couples, it’ll end in divorce again. There’s a few different reasons behind second marriage divorce. Knowing the reasons can help you see where most of these second attempts go wrong…

Second Marriage Divorce: Why They Occur

Marrying for the wrong reasons

One common reason for second marriage divorce is when people get married for the wrong reasons. After a divorce, people tend to feel pretty lonely and have low self-esteem. This can make them cling onto the first person who shows them any interest.

A person might do this, despite not knowing this other person all to well. However, due to not wanting to be alone, they may try and rush into a new marriage, thinking they’re in love. Eventually, the reality sets in, and they realize things aren’t going to work out.

Issues from the past

Baggage from the previous marriage is also a common reason for second marriage divorce. Understandably, getting divorced is going to have a bit of an impact. For example, it might make you reluctant to open up to your partner. Or, you might constantly worry that they’re going to cheat on you.

This baggage can make it hard for a second marriage to succeed. If you’re constantly doubting or hiding things from your partner, they’re going to feel like you don’t appreciate or trust them. This can eventually reach the point where another divorce is on the horizon.

Experience from before

Previous divorce experience can make a second marriage divorce more likely to occur. The thing is, if you’ve divorced already, then you know what it’s like. Odds are, you’ve learned some pretty important lessons about what you should or shouldn’t do. This can make the process not that scary anymore.

Therefore, if your new marriage isn’t going how you like, then you won’t be as afraid of divorce like you were in the past. Instead, you know what you need to do and how to get through it in one piece. Rather than being stuck in another bad marriage, you’ll be more willing to cut it off and keep looking.

Divorce Fears: Facing Uncertainty

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be a pretty intimidating thing, even if you’ve given it a lot of thought. It’s not uncommon to have some divorce fears because of this. However, it is possible to overcome these worries, and pull off a divorce you’ll be confident in…

Divorce Fears: Common Worries

Spouse reacting poorly

One of the divorce fears which is common has to do with breaking the news to one’s spouse. Many people worry about how their partner will take the news. Some are afraid that they’ll get very angry at them. Others worry they’ll react in some other emotional way that they won’t know how to handle.

The thing is, you won’t know how they’ll react until you tell them. Still, you can make it much more likely for them to react in a more understanding manner. Plus, if you can keep things calm, and show a willingness to listen to what they have to say, that can also help prevent things from getting out of hand.

Too much to handle

Another one of the common divorce fears is that divorce will be overwhelming. There’s going to be a lot of different things that you’ll have to figure out while divorce. That’ll include things like co-parenting plans, who will get what, potential moves, etc. There’s also matters related to the divorce, such as if you’ll need to take time off of work or even find a new job.

All of these can feel impossible to manage at first. But it’s important to not let those fears take over. Instead, take some time and really hash out all of these details one at a time. Once you develop basic plans for each of them, they become a lot easier to manage.

Uncertain future

Divorce fears can even extend into what’ll happen once the divorce is over. In fact, most people are worried about how uncertain things will be. Usually, this comes with thoughts about if they made the right decision, or how things like future relationships will go.

Much like with those fears about bringing divorce up, there’s no way to see the future. However, what you can do is work on making the post-divorce life you want a reality. Taking those proper steps once your divorce is over can help put those fears to rest and instead make you optimistic for what’s ahead.

What is a healthy divorce?

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

A healthy divorce is one where both parties walk away feeling like they have closure without resentment. The divorce process can be difficult and painful, but it is possible to keep things amicable. And if you share custody of children, it’s all the more reason to try your best to keep things friendly. You’ll be coordinating things for your kids together for the rest of your lives, and the sooner you can begin to establish a healthy coparenting relationship the better for you and your children. Try to present a united front when it comes to your kids, and set aside bitterness and anger for their sake. Additionally, when you are negotiating the terms of your divorce settlement, try to look at the bigger picture instead of trying to “win” the divorce. Avoid trash talking about your ex, because it can wind up hurting your case and causing issues for your children. And finally, hire an attorney to ensure that you’re getting the best representation, and so that they can help you navigate this difficult process. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to keep things civil and each walk away from your marriage with respect towards one another.

Healthy Divorce: How to Walk Away with Dignity

Be a Team When It Comes to Parenting

One of the most important things you can focus on to have a healthy divorce is to parent as a team. Present a united front with your children, and reassure them that you both love them the same and will be a part of their lives. Don’t try to win your children over by spoiling them or upsetting their schedules, and instead, try to keep things consistent across your houses. Discuss parenting decisions together with the children’s happiness and well-being as your absolute top priority.

Negotiate Without Trying to “Win”

One aspect of a healthy divorce is that both parties go into it with a goal of settling things peacefully. If you each go into your divorce with a mindset of wanting to “win,” it’s going to instantly antagonize you against one another. Don’t get hung up on the details, or trying to win petty disagreements. Decide on a few key things that you want to focus on and let the rest go. You aren’t going to walk away with everything you want, compromise is an important part of this process.

Avoid Trash Talking

Avoiding trash talking is one of the easiest ways to help promote a healthy divorce. When you badmouth your ex, you run the risk of them finding out and making things much more contentious. Additionally, it can hurt your case if you’re in a custody battle, because a judge wants to see that you can coparent peacefully. Finally, if you have children, it can be especially harmful to speak ill of their parent (your ex) in front of them. They love you both equally, and hearing you disparage their other parent can be confusing, stressful, and emotionally painful for them.

Hire Help

Finally, if you want to navigate divorce the smoothest way possible, hire help. An experienced divorce attorney can expedite the process and ensure that you have the best support possible when it comes to arguing your case. If other professionals are needed, like forensic accountants, your attorney can help coordinate that. Additionally, it can be helpful to speak to a licensed therapist or counselor during this time for emotional support. And if you and your ex plan to coparent, a counselor can also see you together in order to help lay the groundwork for a peaceful coparenting relationship.

We all know that divorces can get very ugly and bring out the worst in people. However, it is possible to have a healthy divorce where both people walk away with some satisfaction and overall respect for one another. But you’ll both have to be committed to keeping things civil, even when difficult issues arise. If you have children, always present a united front for their sake, and try to set aside petty differences or old wounds for the sake of their wellbeing. Learning to coparent peacefully will be the most emotionally beneficial thing you can do for your kids. Try to go into the divorce with a mindset of compromise rather than wanting to beat your spouse at the negotiations. Avoid badmouthing

How to Communicate with Your Ex After Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

If you are still needing to communicate with your ex after divorce, it can take some getting used to. People often have to learn to navigate this if they share custody of children that they now co-parent. It can be hard to remember that you have moved from a romantic relationship to a more business-like partnership. It’s normal to have some awkwardness and false starts at first, but hopefully, you’ll figure out the best way to communicate with one another without rehashing old drama. It’s helpful to find the mode of communication that works best for you. It’s also important to always be respectful, even when you are disagreeing about things. Stay on point and don’t let yourself get side-tracked into old conversations that just re-open wounds. And finally, know when to call it quits and take a break from the conversation. Hopefully, you and your ex are both committed to making your co-parenting relationship a smooth one, and learning to communicate effectively will help that in many ways.

How to Communicate with Your Ex After Divorce: Avoiding Drama

Find the Best Form of Communication

If you will need to communicate with your ex after divorce, it’s best to find the right form of communication. For many, texting isn’t a good idea, at least at first. Because you aren’t able to hear the other person’s tone of voice through text, it can often lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings. If this is the case, consider switching to only phone calls instead. At least until you are a little less emotionally heated around one another.

Be Respectful

It’s also important to remember to always be respectful when you communicate with your ex after divorce. It’s natural to want to bring up old arguments or rehash history. However, if you didn’t agree when you were a couple, chances are you won’t agree now on things. So it’s best to simply move forward and keep things civil. Try to be open minded and listen when your ex talks, even if the things they are saying make you feel emotional. Getting overly heated in situations is likely going to backfire and make them dig in their heels even more solidly.

Stay on Point

While it can be difficult, it’s important to keep things short and direct when you communicate with your ex after divorce. Try not to get side-tracked talking about unrelated things. Instead, treat your relationship like a business interaction. Be direct, polite, and keep it short. Gather your thoughts beforehand so that you know what all you need to talk about, and stay on point.

Know When to Pause

Finally, if you’re talking to your ex, it’s important to know when to walk away from a conversation. If things get heated and you begin to feel emotional about the conversation, take a pause. Don’t let yourself get sucked into a full-blown argument. Your ex knows how to push your buttons better than almost anybody else in the world. If the conversation isn’t leading anywhere productive, say so and end it. Let your ex know that you’ll consider their opinion and you all can talk about it after you sleep on things. Hopefully, that’ll give you both time to cool down and approach the situation from a more neutral perspective.

Having to communicate with your ex after divorce is pretty common if you share custody of children and are becoming co-parents. However, just because it’s normal doesn’t make it easy. For many, there is a steep learning curve. It’s especially difficult to communicate with them while the divorce pain is still fresh. But the idea is that over time, you’ll both be able to have a conversation without getting too heated or emotional. Figure out what form of communication works best for you, and stick to that as much as possible. Try to always remember to be respectful, even when you are disagreeing about things. Keep in mind that your children will thrive the most if they have co-parents that can get along. So try to put aside old pettiness for their sake. Stay on point and keep it short and direct. And finally, if the conversation turns into an argument, hit the pause button to prevent things from getting too heated. Hopefully, you and your ex will be able to navigate through this difficult transitional period and become respectful and cooperative co-parents.

Finding the Right Marriage Counselor

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Finding the right marriage counselor is important if you and your spouse are beginning couples therapy. Whether you’re going through a bit of a rough patch, or you’re simply trying to create a stronger foundation, therapy can be hugely beneficial. Your counselor will give you tools to help you improve your communication, build trust, and work through conflict together. But you have to make sure that the therapist is a good fit for both partners. First, you’ll need to consider your budget. Then, discuss availability and make sure that a potential therapist can meet when you need them to. Make sure they are well qualified with couples with similar situations. And finally, the counselor has to be a good fit for you both and somebody that you can open up to and be vulnerable with. You might need to take some time meeting with different therapist before you find the professional that’s the right fit for you as a couple.

Finding the Right Marriage Counselor for Both of You

Within Your Budget

One of the first things to consider when finding the right marriage counselor is your budget. Therapy is not cheap. And sometimes your health insurance can cover a portion or even all of it. It’s definitely worth calling your insurance provider and asking. However, if you’ll be paying out of pocket, you’ll need to decide ahead of time what your budget is for therapy. Ask any professionals you meet with how they bill and what the cost is per session.

Availability that Suits Your Schedule

Another factor to consider when finding the right marriage counselor is availability. While no therapist is going to always be available, it is important to make sure that they have some time in their schedule for new clients. You don’t want the physical act of going to therapy to become a stress in your life. So try to find somebody that is nearby and can meet at the times of day that you and your partner are available.

Qualified

Of course, experience matters when it comes to most professions. While newer therapists can be very well trained, it’s important to make sure that they have the right credentials to be treating patients. For example, a therapist should be licensed by a state board. They might be a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), or a Psychologist (PHD, PsyD, EdD), among other options.

Compatibility

Finally, finding the right marriage counselor means finding the right counselor for BOTH partners. While you might feel comfortable with one person, it’s important to make sure that it’s a good fit for your spouse as well. Otherwise, they won’t feel comfortable enough to open up and be vulnerable. Therapy of any kind relies on a good deal of trust between the patient and therapist. Sometimes, it can take a few tries to find the counselor that’s the right fit for both of you. Be patient and don’t be afraid to switch and try a new counselor if things aren’t working out.

Finding the right marriage counselor can be a process of trial and error. You don’t always end up with exactly the right professional on the first try. Be patient and meet with a few different people to see who you and your spouse connect with more. Make sure that they are within your budget, and that they have some availability that suits your schedules. You also want to check their qualifications, and experience. Finally, make sure that both you and your partner feel comfortable opening up to the counselor you choose. Even if things are going well in your marriage, going to couples counseling can still be very useful. Your therapist will walk you through how to cope with stressful times as a couple, how to manage conflict, and how to communicate more effectively with one another. Hopefully you can find the counselor that’s the right fit for you and continue to seek their advice throughout your marriage.

How to Heal from Divorce Trauma

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce trauma is a very real problem that can create issues for many aspects of your life. The stress of the divorce process is often compared to the stress of a loved one dying. It can create lasting emotional scars that can be quite difficult to heal from. It’s important to take some time to acknowledge the trauma. It’s also helpful to give yourself plenty of time and space to grieve. Therapy can be very helpful for dealing with the emotional damage of divorce as well. And finally, there are support groups for divorcees that many find to be very helpful. Hopefully, you can find the emotional support you need to begin the healing process and start to move on towards the next chapter in your life.

How to Heal from Divorce Trauma: Finding Yourself Again

Why is Divorce Traumatic?

Divorce trauma can create similar symptoms to PTSD. It can leave people with difficulties sleeping, negative thoughts about themselves, feelings of isolation, or a loss of interest in normal activities. Going through a divorce means changing everything about your life and the life that you thought you were going to live. And in reality, it is similar to a death in that you are losing a future you envisioned for yourself. Trauma from this type of upheaval can be serious and can impact all aspects of your life.

Acknowledge and Grieve

To help heal from divorce trauma, make sure that you acknowledge the trauma itself. Don’t try to write off your feelings. And don’t let others make you feel like you are overreacting to the situation. Instead, accept that this is an event that deserves grieving. Take the time to feel the emotional ups and downs of the divorce process. Everybody grieves in their way and on their schedule. So take as much time as you need.

Therapy

Therapy can be very helpful for divorce trauma, and there are many different kinds of therapy. For instance, talk therapy can be helpful so that you can organize your thoughts and feelings. Art therapy, creative therapy, or animal therapy can also be helpful for many. These types of therapies give you something else to focus on, and many find them soothing for stress.

Support Groups

Finally, support groups can be very helpful if you are experiencing divorce trauma. There are many people out there who are going through the divorce process. They can better understand exactly how you’re feeling and what struggles you might have. In addition, they provide an outlet for you to share your experiences which can be therapeutic. It’s easy to find local divorce support groups near you.

Divorce trauma can feel overwhelming at times and can create difficulties in all aspects of your life. An intensely stressful divorce can leave you with the same symptoms as other forms of trauma. So make sure that you acknowledge these feelings. Take the time to grieve the life you believed you were going to have. And remember that you are on your schedule and can take as much time as you need. In addition, therapy can be extremely helpful for many people experiencing stress and trauma. And finally, support groups for divorcees can also be very helpful. Search online to find local groups near you that fit your schedule. It can take a while, but healing from divorce trauma is possible in time. Hopefully, you can find the support you need to begin moving through your grief.

How-to Perform Good Divorce Prep

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

When you decide to get a divorce, you won’t want to rush into things blindly. Rather, you’ll want to take the time to practice good divorce prep. Doing the prep work now will help to make things a lot easier for you in the future…

How-to Perform Good Divorce Prep: Useful Steps

Gather documents

Having the right types of documents is key for your divorce process. As such, you should start gathering these documents as part of your divorce prep. In particular, financial documents are going to be very helpful. Things like tax returns, W-2s, credit card and bank statements, and other similar documents will be quite handy to have.

Still, it’s one thing to just get your documents. You should also be sure that you organize them too. It might be a little tedious to do, and not always an easy task. However, taking the time to do so now is better than trying to do so when the divorce is underway.

Set up your finances

Divorce can be a bit of an expensive matter. Therefore, it’s good to prepare your finances as part of your divorce prep as well. After all, many people experience some financial stress both during and after their divorce. Preparing ahead of time can help reduce or get rid of this stress altogether.

It’s helpful to try and come up with a general budget to figure out where your finances are currently. With this, you can start to add in some potential divorce costs and see the effects. Should your budget begin to show signs of trouble, then you’ll know to start preparing. Limiting your spending and setting more money aside can help you make it out of your divorce in good financial shape.

Breaking the news

While divorce is a personal matter, you’ll eventually have to let those close to you know about your plans. This can be a pretty stressful task, especially if you’re worried about how others may react. Taking some time to plan how you’ll break the news now as part of your divorce prep can make this process a bit easier for you.

Try to come up with a general “script” you’ll use when you’re bringing up your divorce to others. For those close to you, you can go into a bit more detail as they’ll be a source of support to you. Should you have kids, then it’s especially good to plan how you’ll let them know what’s going on.

Education Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

When your divorce is over, you might be wondering what to do next. It could be worth it to consider continuing your education post-divorce. While going back to school may seem like a hassle, there are some serious benefits you can get from it…

Education Post-Divorce: Benefits of Change

Learn new skills

One good reason to pursue education post-divorce is that it’ll teach you new skills. Usually, divorce tends to make a mess of your previous financial plans. This could leave you wanting to make some advancements in your career. One good way to do this is by heading back to school.

Furthering your education will help you learn new skills which can give you an advantage. For example, communication and strategic planning are just a couple of the highly-desired skills that can help improve your work ability. By showing your employer your new skills, you’ll be more likely to end up in a better-paying position.

Find something new

Still, what if you’re unhappy with the job you currently have? Or, what if you need to reenter the workplace after a long absence? Some education post-divorce can help with this as well. More education will make transitioning into new fields much easier than they would be otherwise.

By furthering your education, you’re getting yourself more familiar with the key skills your new field values. That way, it’ll help your resume stand out more compared to others. Plus, this can also be a great time to learn new skills which weren’t around when you first graduation, such as Microsoft Office.

Consider your schedule

If you want to further your education post-divorce, then make sure to find a schedule which works your you. School work, on top of adjusting to your divorce, can be a lot to take on at once. For some people, they end up overwhelming themselves and struggle immensely with the demands of school, work, and other personal matters.

One thing which is useful are online classes. Many schools will allow you to take courses online rather than in-person. That way, you can tackle the workload at your own pace. This can be especially helpful if your schedule is constantly changing, or if you live further away from campuses.

Divorce While Living Together

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Usually, most people think that a divorce means one spouse will move out of the house. However, sometimes both partners will stay in the same place. Pulling off a divorce while living together might seem frustrating, but there are ways to make it easier for the both of you…

Divorce While Living Together

Why do it?

Why would a couple decide to do their divorce while living together? As it turns out, there’s a few reasons why they may make this choice. For starters, it can help save money. Doing divorce this way means you don’t have to worry about the costs that come with finding a new place to live.

Also, it might be a good idea if you have kids. It can be hard for them to register the divorce, and then see one of their parents leave right after. If you still decide to live together, you can help your kids understand what’s going on, and prepare for the changes that’ll come.

Cooperation is key

To make your divorce while living together go smoothly, you and your partner will need to work together. In general, this means doing the things you probably did before. For example, you’ll both still want to help with things like cleaning, buying groceries, and handling bill payments.

However, you’ll also want to keep things civil for the kids. In fact, this is a good time to work on a co-parenting plantogether. That way, you’ll have it all sorted out and ready to go once the divorce is finalized.

Have good boundaries

Of course, the biggest hurdle to doing a divorce while living together is avoiding those same issues which lead to the divorce in the first place. To help avoid those problems, it’s important to have good boundaries. These boundaries will help you have some personal space, even when sharing a home.

One thing divorcing couples who are still living together tend to do is set up separate rooms. That way, they have their own space to go to for privacy. It might feel a little “off” at first, but it’s still important to respect those boundaries.