Your First Valentine’s Day After Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

It’s your first Valentine’s day after divorce and you are dreading it completely. It’s just one more reminder of your relationship being over. However, Valentine’s day doesn’t have to be a difficult holiday. You can still enjoy your day if you re-focus your attention. If you have children, make the day really special for them. You could also go out with single friends and enjoy “Galentines Day.” Or take yourself out for a fun date night. You can still enjoy the day even if you are struggling through a divorce.

Your First Valentine’s Day After Divorce: Enjoy the Holiday Differently

Focus on Your Kids

If you have children, your first Valentine’s Day after divorce could just focus on them instead. Make a big to-do and celebrate the holiday. It’s a day for celebrating love after all, and who loves you more than your children? Decorate the house and surprise them with Valentine’s themed breakfast. Make Valentine’s cards together to send to family and friends. Gorge on candy and watch a movie while having a picnic on a blanket on the floor. You can make it a special and loving memory without focusing on being single.

Celebrate Galentines Day

If you’re trying to survive your first Valentine’s Day after divorce, lean on your friends. So-called “Galentine’s Day” is a day meant for loving your girlfriends. Whether they’re single or in a relationship, take February 13th to focus on your friendship and celebrate one another. Go out for a fancy meal and clink champagne glasses. You could exchange flowers and chocolate together. Take some time to spread the love with the people in your life who have stood by you through thick and thin.

Take Yourself on a Date

If it’s your first Valentine’s Day after divorce, you could always take yourself out for a date yourself. Or bring a fancy date in if you aren’t comfortable being alone in public quite yet. Order takeout from your favorite restaurant and get a bottle of your favorite wine. And don’t forget dessert! Conversely, you could go see a movie alone – nobody will notice that you’re by yourself once the lights go down. You could even just relax and take time to do something that you love. For example, a fancy bubble bath with relaxing music.

Surviving your first Valentine’s Day after divorce can be daunting to think about. But it doesn’t have to be a source of stress. You can still appreciate the love of the holiday even if you’re single. Make special memories with your children, or go out with your friends and makeover each other. You could also take yourself on a date and take time to do things that you love. Remember that you got divorced for a reason, and even though holidays such as this can be hard, you made the decision that was right for you.

Emotionally Prepare for Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

If you are heading down the road to divorce, you may be feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard to know what to expect when facing divorce. You need to emotionally prepare for divorce by addressing the various feelings you’ll be having. Anger is a big factor when going through a divorce, but letting go of the idea of “winning” will help you in the long run. Also, let yourself grieve all the changes you’ll be facing. Also, let go of guilt, especially when it comes to your children. And finally, let go of shame because there is nothing wrong with making a decision that is best for your family. Mentally prepare yourself for the emotions you might be feeling so you can maintain your well-being.

Emotionally Prepare for Divorce: Facing Your Feelings

Let Go of the Idea of “Winning”

One of the strongest emotions that you might be feeling is anger. Divorce can be so draining mentally, and tensions get heightened. You or your spouse might let your anger boil over from time to time and say hurtful things. Emotionally prepare for divorce by trying to let go of the idea of “winning” the divorce. Because this is a response to your anger, it’s not the most productive way to approach a divorce. Your ultimate goal is to create a better life for yourself and your children. If you come into a divorce wanting to “win”, you may not see clearly and be able to get perspective on the things that will help you all be happier.

Let Yourself Grieve

Your entire life is changing, emotionally prepare for divorce by accepting your grief. Perhaps you had your life all planned out and this came as a sudden shock. Or maybe you saw the divorce coming on for the past few years. Whatever your situation is, a divorce is still a complete change in your life. You’re allowed to grieve the life you thought you’d be having when you got married. Take time to really let yourself feel emotional about the divorce.

Let Go of Guilt

Guilt can be a huge factor when you emotionally prepare for divorce. Especially when there are children involved. Many parents feel tremendous guilt over divorcing. However, they often overlook that in the long run, their children might be much happier. Children pick up on stress and anger. If you and your partner are constantly fighting in front of them, divorce is probably healthier. Seeing you and your partner co-parenting healthily and happily will be better for them.

Let Go of Shame

There is a stigma of shame around divorce that really shouldn’t exist. The reasons for your divorce are nobody’s business unless you feel like sharing. When you emotionally prepare for divorce, try to let go of shame. You are making a decision that is better for yourself. You’re taking charge of your life and giving yourself a chance to be happier. If you have children, they may see you taking control as a show of how strong you are. As a result, they’ll respect you more for going forward with a divorce.

When you emotionally prepare for divorce, you need to be aware of all the feelings you might experiences. Try to let go of your anger and the notion of “winning” the divorce. Focus on the end goal of a happier family. Prepare for grief because your whole world is changing. Let go of guilt, especially when it comes to children because you are ultimately making the healthier choice for them. And finally, let go of shame. You’re making a change for the best, and you should be proud of yourself for taking control of your life.

How-to Identify Financial Abuse in a Relationship

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

When you think of domestic violence and abuse, you probably think of physical and verbal abuse. However, there are many forms of abuse. Oftentimes, financial abuse is overlooked. According to a study by the Centers for Financial Security, 99% of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. In fact, it is often the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse. Learn the signs of financial abuse in a relationship so that you can protect yourself.

How-to Identify Financial Abuse in a Relationship: Knowing the Signs

What is Financial Abuse?

Financial abuse can vary from situation to situation. There is no one perfect example of it. However, it does involve controlling someone’s ability to get, use, and maintain financial resources. The victims may even be prevented from working so that they are unable to make or access money for themselves. In addition, the victims of financial abuse in a relationship may have their own money stolen or limited by their abuser. If the victim does have access to money, they may have to account for any of it that they use.

Look for Signs of Abuse

While every situation is different, there are certain things you can pay attention to. First, abusers may use or controls the money you have earned or saved. Examples of this include using your money or credit cards for their own benefit without asking. They may also ask to borrow money from you and never repay it. Also, they may ruin your credit by charging things to your account and not paying them off. Another sign of financial abuse in a relationship is if they have a double standard when it comes to spending. For example, they may spend money on entertainment, dining out, and clothing but criticize you when you make similar purchases

They may start to control where you can or can not work, and may even make you quit your job. In addition, they may actually try to sabotage your job. It is possible for them to go as far as hiding your car keys or removing your car battery so that you can not show up to work. These are only just a few of the signs of financial abuse, but there are many more.

Get Help

If you or someone you know is a victim of financial abuse in a relationship, get help right away. Call a counselor, advocate, or religious leader. Remember that financial abuse is not something that gets better with time. Oftentimes, it can actually end up leading to other types of abuse. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential assistance from trained professionals. Do not wait until it is too late to get help.

How-to: Handle Social Media While Getting a Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

If you want more information on the topic of social media while getting a divorce, please view this video.

Social media consumes many of our lives. From the time we wake up to the time we go to bed, we are checking social media more often than we think. According to Statista.com, in 2019, internet users world wide averaged 144 minutes of social media every day. In 2018, more than half of American adults say they opened a social media app on their phones at least 10 times a day, and that number is always growing. Social media can potentially hurt your job, relationships, and even your mental health. In addition, social media can be harmful while you are going through the divorce process. Learn how to handle social media while getting a divorce.

How-to Handle Social Media While Getting a Divorce: Ways to Avoid It

Perceptions and Consequences

Most people overshare and over-post on social media. They lay out every detail of their life for everyone to see. Oversharing on social media while getting a divorce can come back to haunt you. For example, if you post about engaging risky behaviors, this could hurt you in a custody battle. In addition, if you have posted things that could hint at an extramarital relationship, this could hurt you as well.

Some people may even get angry about the divorce and post threatening posts about their soon-to-be ex. Keep in mind that the court can use anything on social media as evidence against you. This is true whether it is a public or private message, so never post anything privately or publicly that you don’t want other people to see. A good rule is to always use common sense.

Take a Break

Ideally, you should take a break from social media while getting a divorce. First, so many people only show their curated highlights online, and never the things they are actually going through. Scrolling mindlessly through peoples highlight reals for hours at a time can be harmful to your mental health. You could start comparing your life to theirs, which is not healthy. This is especially true when you are going through a difficult time in your life yourself.

Take a break from social media to reflect on what is going on in your life. Look at how you got to this point and how you can start to heal and move forward. Social media takes up so much of our time that oftentimes we forget about taking time for ourselves. Instead, step back from social media and focus on taking care of yourself while you are going through this process. Who knows, perhaps after the break, social media will no longer rule your life anymore.

How-to Avoid Conflict During Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce is never easy. The process will often stir up conflict between spouses as it brings out strong emotions and feelings. It is not uncommon to feel anger, sadness, hurt, and disappointment. You will find the process to be much smoother when you try to minimize or avoid conflict in a divorce. If you have children, it is even more important to do your best to avoid conflict during divorce. Children do not react well to poorly managed conflict. By managing anger and conflict now, it will also make life post-divorce easier, especially if you have kids.

How-to Avoid Conflict During Divorce: Managing the Process

Don’t Bring Up the Past

It is not uncommon to dwell on the past events and actions that may have led to your marriage ending. Sometimes instead of being helpful, it actually can bring up a lot of anger and pain. Try to avoid getting hung up on the past, or reminding your ex of any wrongdoings. This is sure to lead to an argument, or someone feeling attacked. Instead, work to avoid conflict during divorce. In the words of Dennis Waitley, “Don’t dwell on the past, look toward the future and the positivity that is to come!” If you are going to reflect on the past, do so in a positive, constructive way. That way you can learn from your mistakes and be able to avoid those in your next relationship.

Communication

If you do not feel like you can communicate directly with your soon-to-be ex in a civil manner, it may be best to find an alternative way. You may want to hire a mediator to help avoid conflict during divorce. A mediator is a neutral third party that can help with communication and negotiations during a divorce. They can work beside attorneys to help you come to agreements sooner and with less conflict. Mediation helps you and your ex to come up with a solution based on what is best for your family. This can be a much better option than a judge deciding the outcome of your divorce.

Sometimes you may be unable to communicate with your spouse in a civil manner, even through writing. If a mediator is unable to help, consider communicating through your attorney. Keep in mind that your attorney is your strongest advocate. Plus, they can can communicate on your behalf without getting involved emotionally.

How-to Work with a Financial Advisor During Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be very difficult on your financial situation. If you relied on dual-incomes to make ends meet, or your partner was the only one who worked, this can be especially challenging. Divorce may force you to change your lifestyle and spending habits. If you find finances to be an unpleasant and overwhelming thing to think about, you are in luck. Financial advisors are professionals that specialize in helping people with their finances. Learn how to work with a financial advisor during divorce.

How-to Work with a Financial Advisor During Divorce: Manage Your Finances

Financial Goals

Financial planners and advisors can help you get on track and work towards the goals you want to achieve. Unfortunately, according to a study, only 5% of women work with a financial advisor during divorce. However, these professionals can be as asset as part of a divorce team. In fact, 61% of women who did not use a financial planner wish that they would have worked with one during their divorce.

If you have not already, it is good to sit down and figure out your financial goals. Thinking these through will help you be able to work towards reaching your goals. Some good financial goals include paying off your debt, having a comfortable retirement, and saving for an emergency fund. Others include being able to buy a new home, creating another income source, or building wealth through investments.

Benefits

One of the benefits of using a financial planner is that they can help you evaluate your lifestyle. They will help you take a hard look at your finances both before and after the divorce. This will be helpful for even looking at different things like covering expenses, buying insurance, creating a budget, and paying bills.

Another benefit of working with a financial advisor during divorce is that they can help you look at your assets. This will include hidden gems you may not have remembered, and which assets to fight for during your divorce. Consider things like jewelry, investments, college funds and retirement accounts. The financial advisor will be able to determine what is worth asking for and also set up a plan to help you achieve financial freedom.

Although this is an underutilized resource, working with a financial advisor during divorce is a smart move. They will help you to be able to start off on the right track during and after your divorce. You will be glad they were part of your divorce team.

How-to Prepare for the Holidays as a Single Parent

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
The holiday season is just around the corner. This is a time for food, festivities and family. However, for some people, this may be a season of firsts as well. Anyone who has just gone through a divorce may be feeling the dread of going through the holidays alone. This may be your first year preparing for the holidays as a single parent. While the season may feel a bit different, you can still make it special.

How-to Prepare for the Holidays as a Single Parent: Creating New Traditions

Plans with Ex

If you are recently divorced and trying to figure out the holidays as a single parent, know that you will need to discuss and coordinate with your ex. This includes visits as well as gift giving. You want to make sure you are not overlapping one another’s gifts, and that each parent is on the same page. Do not try and outdo your ex with lavish, expensive gifts. If the roles are reversed and your ex is giving over the top gifts that are out of your budget, do not throw your kids into the middle of an argument. Instead, you can give your kids the precious gift of time. If your kids will be with your ex, do not show anger when they go off with their other parent. Do not make them feel guilty or conflicted. Let them know you will look forward to celebrating with them when they get back and tell them to have a great time!

New Traditions

Since the holidays will look different the first year you celebrate the holidays as a single parent, try and create new, fun traditions. However, do not forget your old traditions too, as long as they fit your your new situation. You can do this whether you have young children or adult children. If this will be your first year alone without your ex or your kids, make other plans for your celebrations. Spend time with your extended family, friends, or other single parents who may also be alone. Also, remember that there is not a rule that a holiday must only be celebrated exclusively on one certain day. An early, or delayed, celebration with friends and family just gives you an extended holiday season, and can be just as special too. Celebrating the holidays as a single parent for the first time may be a challenge. However, you will be able to get through it successfully. Enjoy old traditions if they are not too painful or no longer fit your family, and create new traditions too. Be considerate of your kids and their other parent, and keep any anger or disagreements to yourself for the sake of your kids. Remember, this will be a new way to celebrate the holidays for them too.

How-to Know if You Need Couples Therapy

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Things have been rough lately, and both of you are feeling frustrated. You may be wondering if you feel therapy or counseling is a sign of weakness, but it actually is a sign of strength. This is a step towards working on making your relationship better. Here are some signs that you may need to go to couples therapy.

How-to Know if You Need Couples Therapy

Lack of Trust

It may be time to go to couples therapy if your trust has been broken. A lack of trust can be detrimental to a relationship. Some examples of how trust could be broken would be catching your spouse in a huge lie, or even finding out they have been having an affair. However, if you and your partner are willing to try and work through this, talking with a therapist where you can openly and safely express yourself may be a good place to start.

Ongoing Conflict

If you and your spouse are always arguing, it could be a good idea to go to couples therapy. Constant conflict is not healthy for any relationship. Additionally, even if you are just noticing that the frequency of your arguments is increasing, it is never too early to stop a problem before it gets worse. Get ahead of the issue and talk to someone.

Something Feels Different

Is there something that just feels off about your marriage? This could be a disconnect physically, emotionally, or mentally. In additon, there could be underlying resentment or distrust that is even pulling you apart. You may not even be able to pinpoint it to determine what it is. Whatever it is, it is worth addressing with a couples therapist.

Lack of Communication

Another reason to go to a couples therapist is if you and your spouse have a lack of communication. For instance, you could live in the same house together, but never have any sort of meaningful conversation with any depth. This could make you drift apart from your partner. A councilor could help give you the tools to communicate better. Above all, this could increase the quality of the conversations you have with your spouse.

In conclusion, couples therapy can be a big benefit to couples that are drifting apart or are going through a rough spot. However, it can also be useful to curb an issue before it even gets big too. It is never too early to get ahead of a problem and work towards a happy and healthy marriage.

How-to Find Work Motivation When Divorcing

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Divorce can be a draining process, and as such, it can be hard to find motivation to do other things. In particular, your work motivation can really suffer. Therefore, it’s helpful to know what you can do to keep yourself going when you’re at your job…

How-to Find Work Motivation When Divorcing: Useful Methods

Divorce and work

Divorce tends to have a negative effect on people’s work motivation for a couple reasons. First, it tends to take up a lot of their attention. Even when they aren’t handling divorce matters, it will stay on their mind, along with what’ll happen afterwards. This can make it hard for them to really focus on their work like they usually would.

There’s also the fact that divorce can impact your current schedule. Different developments may require you to either take time off of work or limit the amount of free time you have. When you’re constantly wondering what new thing may pop up and how you’ll need to react to it, your work may take a backseat.

Be upfront

When you’re working about your divorce at work, your work motivation will take a hit. Therefore, it’s good to let your boss or manager know what’s going on. Being upfront and honest about what you’re going through and how it may impact you isn’t a bad thing. Instead, they’ll be more inclined to help you out in order to keep you motivated at work.

For instance, they may recognize you need some more flexibility in your schedule. Or, you may not be able to do projects solo like you could before. When your boss or manager is aware of your divorce, they can help make accommodations which will solve these problems.

Take care of yourself

A large part of maintaining work motivation comes down to what you do outside of work. If you don’t have a good work-life balance, then it becomes a lot harder to want to work at all. Add in your divorce, and now this can become a serious struggle. In fact, many people may end up leaving their jobs because they feel so overwhelmed.

That’s why it’s important you still find some time for yourself when you aren’t working. While your divorce is a priority, you can’t let it totally take over your life. Rather, you need to be able to still relax to manage your anxieties, even if it means taking a few days off to do so.

How-to Tell Others About Your Divorce: Hard Convos

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

If you are going through a divorce or just got through a divorce, you will have to start to tell others about your divorce. It may feel intimidating or even embarrassing to have this conversation. However, you should not let it feel overwhelming. Take these steps to feel better about having this difficult conversation.

How-to Tell Others About Your Divorce: Steps to Take

Portrayal

When you are starting to tell others about your divorce, you will have to think about how much or how little you want to tell people. You can also decide how you want to portray your divorce. If you are having a nasty, angry divorce, you can decide how much information you want to share about that. You can also channel how you want your divorce is going. For example, you can say to people “I want to have a peaceful, smooth divorce”. It is your story to tell, so you can decide how much you are comfortable with telling people.

Family and Friends

Once you’ve decided what you want to tell others about your divorce, it will them come time to tell people. You will probably tell your friends and family first. Of course, they were probably really excited when you told them you were getting married, so they may have the opposite feelings when you tell them you are getting a divorce (unless your spouse is absolutely terrible).

If it is an amicable divorce, it may be okay to break the news to your friends and family together. However, if the divorce is bitter, it may be better to tell them separately. Otherwise, you may get into an argument during the conversation. This could make your friends and family feel very uncomfortable.

Work

You will likely have to talk with your corkers and boss when you start to tell others about your divorce. The advantage to doing this is that your boss may be more understanding and flexible if you have to take time off or leave for appointments such as going to therapy or to meet with a lawyer.

Tread carefully when you start to break the news to co-workers though. While some of them may be your friends, others may not want to know every detail of your life.

When it’s time to start to tell others about your divorce, keep these tips in mind. That will make your difficult conversation go a little bit smoother. Figure out what you want to say, and then start by telling friends and family, and then possibly people at your work too.