The Pros and Cons Of Sole Custody: Weighing Options

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Custody battles are one of the most stressful things a couple can go through. There are pros and cons of sole custody versus joint custody. A lot depends on the situation and parents involved. You need to weigh the options and decide if seeing sole custody is the right decision for you, your children, and your ex-partner.

The Pros and Cons of Sole Custody: Is This The Right Move?

Positives of Sole Custody

When debating the pros and cons of sole custody, it is important to know the reason why you are seeking it. If there was abuse or neglect towards you or the children, then it might be best for them to be entirely in your care. Similarly, if there are substance abuses or severe mental illness that could impair somebody’s judgment, it might be safer to keep the children with one parent only. The positives in this instance would be that you could feel confident that your children are safe. Another positive is that if it’s only you making decisions for your children, you don’t have to discuss options with your ex. There can be less stress over important decisions.

Negatives of Sole Custody

Another thing to consider when debating the pros and cons of sole custody is that although you won’t have to run every decision by your partner, you also don’t have them to bounce ideas off of. If stressful situations arise with your kids, you won’t have the benefit of your partner’s advice. Another thing to consider is how overwhelming taking care of children full time alone can be. And of course, seeking sole custody can be a huge source of pain for the parent that loses custody. It can lead to feelings of resentment between you and your ex, as well as your children.

What to Do After You’ve Made Your Decision

After you’ve weighed the pros and cons of sole custody, you might have decided to seek sole or joint custody. If you are seeking joint custody, you and your ex will need to work out a schedule. This also might include finding new places to live or coordinating with child care and school pickups. If you have decided to seek sole custody, you’ll probably want to arrange some childcare help. You’ll need to have backup options for things like school pick-ups and taking children to activities. In case you get sick or work keeps you busy, you’ll need to know who to call for emergency childcare. You also might want to look into help since you are now the sole caregiver, which can be overwhelming.

There are many pros and cons of sole custody. Make sure you weigh the pros and cons to yourself, your children, and your ex-spouse. Seeking sole custody can cause a lot of emotions, so be sure of your decision before you seek it. Once you’ve decided which route to go, try to prepare things in advance as much as possible. This will hopefully make the transition easier for the kids. The most important thing is that you work out a situation where your children are happy and supported.

How to Make Divorce Easier on Your Children

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

It can be hard to know how to make divorce easier on your children. But divorce is incredibly hard on them as well as you. So it’s important to try and be aware of their needs and feelings. It’s important to reassure them frequently that the divorce is not related to them. In addition, always be a good listener when they want to talk about their feelings. Be a team with your ex, at least when it comes to the kids. Put aside your differences to make the transition easier for your children. And finally, get your children to help if they need it or ask for it. Divorce is hard on everybody, but your children will need your support.

How to Make Divorce Easier on Your Children: Help Your Kids Through It

Reassure Them

The most important thing to make divorce easier on your children is to constantly be reassuring. No matter what you or your partner tell them, children are very apt to blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. Tell them repeatedly that they are not to blame. You also need to reassure them that their lives will settle back down soon. The divorce process can be hard, but knowing that their schedule will be more predictable in the future is helpful for kids. And finally, reassure them of how much you love them. Even older children are going through an especially fragile time and will need to hear it often.

Listen to Them

Another way to make divorce easier on your children is to listen to them. Some kids are very hesitant to talk about their parents’ divorce. Others have lots of questions and want to discuss their feelings. Don’t try to force your children to talk to you if they don’t want to. But when they do choose to talk, be a good listener. They may say things that upset you, but try to put their feelings first and listen to everything they say.

Be a Team

Being a team player with your ex can be hard. But it can make divorce easier on your children in the end. You may have your differences, and you may feel that your ex is in the wrong. However, your children still see them as loving parents. It’s important not to bad-mouth them in front of your kids. This can upset your children greatly. Try to at least work with your ex when it comes to coordinating schedules for your children so that their schedule stays somewhat dependable.

Get them Help

Finally, make divorce easier on your children by getting them help if they need it. Some children just may not be able to express their emotions in a healthy way. Or be able to talk to you about their feelings. If this is the case, consider talking to a child therapist. They might be able to really help your kids work through their emotions. A therapist or psychologist can be a neutral party for them to who they may feel more comfortable opening up.

Divorce can be incredibly stressful on kids, so it’s important to try and make divorce easier on your children. Try to always reassure them they are not to blame and that you love them. In addition, be a good listener if they want to talk to you about their feelings. Put aside hurt feelings in order to work together with your ex to keep your children’s schedules reliable. And finally, get them professional help if they need it or if they ask for it. Remember that as an adult, you’re better equipped to handle your emotions. Your children will need your help getting through what can be a very stressful time in their lives.

Sharing Spring Break Post-Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Spring break is a fun week off of school for kids. The weather is finally getting a little warmer and it allows for a nice break before the rush of the end of the school year. While most plan for spring break all year with a trip to the beach or an amusement park, some families are sharing spring break for the first time.

As we approach the mid-semester break, let’s discuss the issues that you may be facing for the first time since your separation or divorce.

Sharing Spring Break: First Year Adjustments 

First Time Traveling With(out) You

Maybe your ex has a trip planned for part of spring break. When she mentioned the idea of taking the kids a few hours away for a couple of days, it seemed like no big deal. But, as the day came closer, you’re starting to have second thoughts. Unless there are safety concerns, relax and let your children enjoy their vacation. It might be the first, but it won’t be the last. Sharing spring break means your turn is coming; just look forward to getting to spend that time together.

New Significant Others

Before sharing your new significant other with your children, please remember your ex-spouse and how they will feel. Often times, school breaks coincide with trips that your new significant other will be joining you on. Sharing spring break (and sharing your children) means you’ll need to get permission from your ex before you continue with this. 

Conversely, if your ex wants to bring their new significant other on their vacation with the kids, think about how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. Keep in mind, each family and situation is different and there is no definite timeline to follow.

Spending Spring Break with Friends

As children grow, there is a chance they will want to spend spring break with a friend’s family on their vacation. This is normal, but might be tough. You may both have to agree to let your child spend spring break away from you. Sometimes, sharing spring break doesn’t necessarily mean with just your ex!

Keep in mind your custody agreements with your ex and the arrangements you have for weekly custody. Traveling outside of these agreements could create legal issues. Sharing spring break is a good way to enjoy stress-free time with your children. Make sure to communicate with your ex to create a smooth week. This is a good time to understand the details of your agreements and enjoy quality time with your kids!

How-to Work Through Arguments: Conflict Resolution

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Arguments can be either beneficial or toxic for relationships. This wide difference all depends on how you manage them. A healthy argument can air out issues and leave both parties in a better place than they started. An unhealthy argument can lead to resentment, further anger, and a divide. Whether you are irritated with a friend or going through a divorce, there are ways to do so peacefully. It is really important to be able to work through arguments in a healthy way.

How-to Work Through Arguments: Have a Healthy Disagreement

Communicate

A big helper in managing arguments is to just make sure to communicate with the other person. If you let things build up and up, one day you will likely explode and have a huge argument. If something is bothering you, just talk to the other person about it so that it does not keep brewing inside of you. However, make sure that you address issues with your them in a kind manner. Do not attack them with the issue you want to bring up. Instead, do so in a non- accusatory manner. Have tact and think through your approach. This will help you work through arguments together, and keep them small before they blow up.

Listen

The next step in how you can work through arguments is to make sure and listen to the other person. If you do not hear out their side, they will get even more upset at you. Plus, if you listen to them, you may actually discover that they have legitimate reasons to be upset and end the argument. If the disagreement is in person, make sure to put down your phone, look at them, and show that you are paying attention.

If they are telling you that they do not think you are listening or paying attention, ask for clarification. Perhaps they are misunderstanding your communication style and you could adjust that so that they feel heard and listened to.

Apologize

Another part of being able to work through arguments is to learn how to apologize. Learn how to say that you are sorry. Figure out the best way to do so for the person you are in a disagreement with, as everyone has different communication styles and love languages. It does not have to be anything over the top, but personalizing an apology will go a long way!

Also, be sure that it is a sincere apology. People can tell when you do not truly want to apologize. Make sure it is not a back-handed apology that has a hidden jab in it. This will help you to be better at managing any arguments you have.

How-to Avoid Co-Parenting Mistakes

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Switching from being married to being co-parents after a divorce isn’t always easy. Many former couples struggle with making the transition. While mistakes will happen, there are some co-parenting mistakes you’ll want to do your best to avoid. Doing so will help make your experience a lot smoother…

How-to Avoid Co-Parenting Mistakes: Common Issues

Picking fights

One of the most common co-parenting mistakes is when co-parents start to pick fights. It’s understandable that tensions may be a bit high following your divorce. As such, when you have to meet your co-parent, it can be tough to be totally relaxed. This is especially true if your co-parent is seemingly going out of their way to push your buttons.

A good way to avoid these fights is by waiting until you both cool off to meet in person. Instead, you can keep in touch via texts or phone calls. It’s also important for both of you to recognize when you’re in the wrong. Apologize after saying rude, even if your other co-parent doesn’t, to set a good example for your kids.

Forgetting the point

Another of the common co-parenting mistakes is when co-parents lose sight of their goals. Instead of trying to be good co-parents to their kids, they instead try and gain an “upper hand” over their ex. This ends up causing a power struggle to develop. Now, each co-parent will try and make requests or demands for their own benefit, rather than for the kids.

Remember that co-parenting isn’t a competition. Your kids will need both of you to be positive influences in their lives. If they see you fighting and acting like that, you’ll be leaving a bad impression. Therefore, you and your co-parent need to be willing to work together for the benefit of your kids.

Bad communication

Many co-parenting mistakes are caused by bad communication. It could be that you and your co-parent barely talk to one another. This can end up causing a lot of miscommunication, leaving you or them out of the loop. As a result, this tends to cause a lot of tension and subsequent arguments.

Good communication is crucial to any co-parenting arrangement. As such, you and your co-parent should remain in regular contact. Even just simple texts or calls will go a long way in clearing things up and making sure everyone is on the same page.

Telling Your Children About Your Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Telling your children about your divorce might be one of the most difficult discussions you’ll ever have in your life. However, if you plan in advance, you can better prepare for handling this tough conversation. You and your partner really need to work together on this, so try to put aside your differences for the sake of the children. You’ll need to be a team to prepare how you’ll talk to the kids, and answer their questions. You should also try to tell them together. Reassure them that they will adjust. Finally, give them space to absorb the new information. It will be painful, but preparing in advance can make this conversation more bearable.

Telling Your Children About Your Divorce: Plan In Advance

Prepare Beforehand

Telling your children about your divorce needs to be a team effort between you and your spouse. You might disagree on a lot, but you’ll need to put aside differences in order to have a healthy conversation with your kids. You’ll need to decide the narrative that you’re going to tell the children about why you are divorcing. You don’t need to get into all the details, but a general idea of how to tackle that question without blaming can be helpful. Also, try to prepare for their questions. They may want to know which parent they’ll be living with, where they’ll be staying if they’ll be changing schools or moving. All of these are valid concerns and you should try to have an answer ready to go for them.

Tell Them Together

Telling your children about your divorce is best done together. That way, you’ll be able to share with them the reasons without playing the blame game. They can ask all the questions they want, and you and your spouse can answer them together. They need to see that you are both in agreement that this is the best course of action for your family. It also shows that you can work together and that you’ll both be committed to making things as smooth as possible. If your children are of similar ages, try to tell them at the same time so that they don’t hear about it from a sibling.

Reassure Them

The absolute most important thing when telling your children about your divorce is to reassure them. Reassure them that you love them and that you are going to make the divorce as smooth as you can for them. You’ll of course reassure them that they played no part in the reason for the divorce. That there is nothing they did to cause it. And that there was nothing they could do to prevent it. Also reassure them that even though it will be hard, they will adjust to this new life. You’ll need to reassure them many times throughout the process.

Give Them Space

Finally, after telling your children about your divorce, give them space. Everybody needs time to adjust to hearing life-changing news. They’ll need to think out all of what this means for their lives. They’ll probably have many questions and concerns. Even though it’s painful, try to always be open and willing to talk to them about your divorce. Some children may shut down for a little while they process. Reassure them that you would like to talk to them whenever they feel like it. Let them react how they need to react because they have a right to their feelings.

It will be hard. It will be painful. But telling your children about your divorce will ultimately go better if you prepare in advance. Make a plan with your partner about how to tell them and how to answer their questions. Find a non-blaming narrative that is age-appropriate. Sit down as a family sometime when you can really take your time with the conversation. Reassure them that they will adjust and that the divorce is not their fault. And finally, give them space to absorb this new vision of their lives. While it’s difficult to have these conversations, in the end, you are trying to do what is best for them. They’ll be happier with two parents who co-parent in a healthy way than they would be with two parents living in a toxic marriage.

The Four Co-parenting C’s

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

There are plenty of mistakes that every co-parent will make. After all, we’re all new to this at some point in time, and there are always growing pains. The key to being a good co-parent, is keeping a few key goals in mind. From communication, to compromise, and beyond— the Four Co-parenting C’s are something every divorced parent must observe, and perfect, to become the co-parent we all want to be. No one said it’s easy, but it’s undeniably worth it.

The Four Co-parenting C’s to Perfect for Your Kids 

Cooperation

When it comes to mastering co-parenting, cooperation is at the center of it all. While you two divorced for a reason, you also have to find ways to put that aside for your children. You’ll have to manage school, appointments, birthday parties, family gatherings, sick days, pick-up and drop-off, and many manyother things as a unit. The key to successful cooperation, is to plan ahead of time— but also be flexible. The more committed you are to cooperating for your kids, the more likely you are to be successful at it.

Compromise

One of the most difficult things to do as a divorced parent, and co-parent, is to compromise with your former spouse. No matter how hard we try, it’s extremely easy to be spiteful when it comes to your ex, even when kids are involved. But, as a parent, you always have to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Maybe this weekend was supposed to be yours, but your former spouse’s mother has fallen extremely ill. Your ex asks if you will let the child spend the weekend with them so they can visit in the hospital. 

While your instinct might be to say no out of spite, consider if it was the other way around. Your mother is ill, she might pass, and you want your child to be able to say goodbye. By giving a little in the right moments, you and your former spouse might be able to form a new kind of respect, and become better co-parents in the long run.

Consistency

As we’ve mentioned, there will always be growing pains as you learn how to co-parent outside of a marriage, but consistency is key. By maintaining routines for your child from one household to the other, you give them a sense of security that might have been wavering after the separation. By setting uniform expectations, you make things easier for your children. Not to mention, you also avoid that infamous “but, Mom/Dad lets me…”

Communication

We always save this one for last because it’s the most important, and the most difficult to master. Chances are, your inability to communicate with one another played at least a small part in your divorce. So, how are we supposed to get better at it now? Quite simply put, because you have to. In communicating effectively, you set a strong example for your children and avoid conflict. Conduct yourselves in a business-like fashion because, after all, you’re colleagues in the business of raising your children. So, be courteous to the co-parent as if they are a co-worker.
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As you consider the Four Co-parenting C’s, you might begin to discover what you’ve been excelling at. Furthermore, you might also discover what you need to work on. Every parent, whether divorced or together, can inevitably improve their tactics in one way or another— and there’s no shame in saying it. However, there is admirability in admitting your faults and improving upon them.

Sick Child: Co-parenting in Difficult Times

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Every parent expects for their kid to get sick now and then. However, having a sick child while co-parenting can impact your normal plan. Therefore, it’s good to know how you can co-parent effectively while also caring for your kid at the same time…

 Sick Child: Co-Parenting Methods

Prepare in advance

It’s always a good idea to plan in advance for a sick child. If it’s something you know will happen eventually, you should go ahead and get yourself ready. For instance, you both will want to stock up on some good basic medicine. You’ll also want to have any other important info, like their doctor’s contact details, insurance details, and lists of any medication or allergies.

As an extra precaution, be sure to know where to go in case of an emergency. The last thing you want when your kid gets really sick is not knowing where you can go for help. Take time to figure out where the closest hospitals are for both of your homes.

Be willing to make changes

When dealing with a sick child, you’ll want to be flexible when it comes to your original co-parenting plan. It could be the case that your kid is too sick to go to school, or even move houses. It’ll be a lot better for their recovery and overall well-being if they instead stay in one place as they try and get over their sickness.

Just be sure that you and co-parent talk about this beforehand. You don’t want to just say out of nowhere that you won’t be sticking to the original agreement. As long as you’re both on the same page, it becomes easier to accept these short-term changes.

Be united

The best thing you can do for your sick child is to come together and help them. Now is a time where they’ll especially benefit from care from the both of you. Even if you have your differences, this is when it’s much better to work as a team rather than be at odds with one another.

For example, maybe your co-parent can call and text your child more to make up for the other missed time. You may even invite them over to let them spend time together. This is great for your kid’s well-being, and shows them you both care for them and are helping to make them feel better.

Potty Training Regressions After Divorce

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Potty training regressions after divorce are very common and completely normal. Divorce is stressful for everybody, children included. Even if they don’t know what’s going on, they often pick up the tension in their parents and experience anxiety. This can lead to all sorts of behavioral regressions, potty training included. Be patient, and give your child time to bounce back. You can also go back to the basics of potty training like getting on a schedule and using a reward system. However, if the issues continue for months on end, it’s probably time to speak to a professional and make sure that your child is getting the emotional support they need to handle the stress. Hopefully, any regressions will be short-lived and you and your family will move on to your new routine quickly and painlessly.

Potty Training Regressions After Divorce: Totally normal

Why does it happen?

Potty training regressions after divorce are a very common reaction in younger children. Many things can upset a potty training schedule. Even things like a child not wanting to give up a toy or simply forgetting to use the bathroom. However, stress and anxiety can also wreak havoc on child behavior. Children react differently than adults do to stress, and sometimes the feeling of being out of control leads to potty training regressions.

Be Patient

If your child is suffering potty training regressions after divorce, the best thing that you can do is to be patient with them. These types of behavioral regressions tend to be short-lived. You might also notice things like disturbances in sleep patterns, food aversions, or behavioral issues. Otherwise chatty and easy-going children might be moody or quick to anger. Most regressions last about a month or so.

Addressing the Issue

To address the issue of potty training regressions after divorce, it can help to go back to the basics. Remind your child to use the bathroom every thirty minutes to one hour. Additionally, make sure to keep them on a very regular routine with sleeping and eating. Children thrive on consistency. You can also try out a reward system where children get a sticker or something fun when they remember to potty.

When to Get Help

If you have tried addressing the potty training regressions after divorce but it’s not working, it might be time to explore other options. Rule out any medical issues first. Then, consider having your child meet with a childhood psychologist or try out play therapy. It’s important to get to the root of their stress and give them healthy ways to cope. Sometimes, children open up more to adults who aren’t their parents. Potty training regressions after divorce are very common and very normal. Behavioral regressions in general are often a reaction to children going through stressful events. For example, divorce, adding a new sibling, moving, or changing schools. If your child is experiencing some regressions, be patient and remember that these things tend to only last a few weeks. If the behavior continues, try addressing it by maintaining a consistent schedule and installing a rewards system. Hopefully, your child will adjust to their new routine quickly. However, if the regressions continue for several months, it’s probably time to reach out to your pediatrician or another professional. Divorce is hard on everybody, kids included, so be patient and remember that this too shall pass.

Nesting Co-Parenting: Possible Benefits

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Most parents think that co-parenting involves moving the kids from one parent’s house to another. However, nesting co-parenting offers a different perspective. This alternative way of co-parenting might just be the sort of thing you and your co-parent are looking for…

Nesting Co-Parenting: How Its Different

What is “nesting?”

Nesting co-parenting differs from other co-parenting plans mainly in terms of where the kids stay. Usually, after a divorce, either one parent will keep the home and the other will move, or both will move to new homes. Then, the kids will go in-between each household depending on the co-parenting schedule they come up with.

With a nesting arrangement, the kids will actually stay at the family home. Instead, it’ll be you and your co-parent who will come and go. So, for example, one week you’ll stay at the home with the kids, and then switch with your co-parent. That way, the kids don’t have to constantly go back-and-forth between two new homes.

Benefits to the kids

A nesting co-parenting arrangement can be really beneficial to your kids. Divorce is a major time of change both for you and them. Having to constantly go back and forth between you and your co-parent’s new homes can be very difficult for them. Ultimately, it can be hard for them to really feel “at ease”, even if they’re with one of their parents.

However, by nesting, your kids won’t have to worry about that. Rather, they get to stay in the home that they’re already familiar with. This helps them feel much more at ease with the situation, and not have to worry about constantly moving and bringing things between homes.

Benefits for the parents

Of course, a nesting co-parenting plan doesn’t just help the kids. It can also help you and your co-parent also. For instance, many couples find it’s cheaper to use a nesting plan. The cost of two separate apartments can be cheaper than if you were to both look for new homes. Plus, some co-parents will even “split” an apartment, with one of them staying there while the other is with the kids.

You also won’t have to worry about difficult transitions in-between homes. Rather, you’ll know exactly where your kids will be. You can even have smoother transitions than usual, such as if you drop the kids off at school in the morning and their other parent picks them up. Just make sure you communicate this to both your co-parent and the kids!