Using “I Feel” statements is a tactic that marriage counselors and mediators advocate for time and time again. When people argue, they are prone to using statements that place blame on the other party. During a divorce or mediation, this can create a toxic environment that makes your divorce even more contentious. Instead, opt to use statements starting with “I Feel” rather than “You” to help with more constructive conflict resolution. The idea is to be more assertive about your feelings while being less accusatory. When used properly, these statements can help you tackle disagreements more smoothly and hopefully, without escalating things further. If you and your ex are going through a difficult mediation or divorce, consider employing this powerful technique.

The Benefits of Using “I Feel” Statements in Conflict Resolution

What Are They?

The use of “I feel” statements comes from Thomas Gordon who originally applied the technique to children learning to associate emotions with actions. The idea is to explain how you’re feeling, rather than tackling a disagreement by placing blame on the other person. When we start an argument with “you always do such and such” it’s more likely to make the other person get defensive. Instead, saying “I feel hurt when you” might go more smoothly.

How to Use Them

When using “I feel” statements, it’s helpful to first identify an emotion, and then attach it to an issue. For example “I feel anxious when you stay out late without calling.” Then, add a call to action or a potential resolution. For example, “I feel anxious when you stay out late without calling. Can you please set a reminder in your phone to text me?” The resolution doesn’t have to work for both of you, but it’s a way of opening up a constructive conversation.

What’s the Point?

The point of “I feel” statements are to be able to help resolve conflict without things escalating because of the blame game. When we use phrases that start with accusations, it can feel like criticism. It makes the other person more likely to get defensive and dig in their heels more. In mediation or divorce court, it can lead to them becoming more contentious. The goal of using these types of statements is to be able to open up the lines of communication to find a resolution that works for both parties. Without increasing hostility.

Using Them in Mediation

Mediation is a great time to use “I feel” statements. Oftentimes, mediation fails because couples are too busy placing blame and accusations on one another. Things escalate and then each party begins making decisions out of resentment and pettiness. Instead, try employing “I feel” statements to keep tensions from boiling over. Hopefully, they will help you reach a compromise and will prevent the divorce from becoming more contentious. While it might sound silly at first, using “I feel” statements are a very popular conflict resolution tactic that many marriage counselors and family therapists employ. The statements allow each person to express their feelings without placing blame or accusations on the other person. Using “I feel” instead of “You” to begin sentences can help you express ideas without making your ex feel defensive. If you are going through mediation or the divorce process, you can employ this technique to try to minimize hostility with your ex. Hopefully, you can use these statements to calm the waters and make your divorce less stressful.