The Dangers of Secret-Keeping in a Marriage

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Secret-keeping in a marriage can be a slippery slope that can quickly lead to a lot of broken trust. Although everybody has a right to privacy, there is a difference between privacy and keeping secrets or lying to your partner. Lying can quickly compound into a very messy situation. Additionally, keeping secrets can block you from being able to be intimate with your partner. It can lead to broken trust and a lack of self-confidence for your spouse. And finally, it can be a slippery slope to behaviors like infidelity. Instead of keeping secrets from your spouse, it’s healthier to explore why you feel hesitant to share something with them. Tackling those feelings through marriage counseling or private therapy can help you open up more and can allow you to form an even deeper bond of trust with your spouse.

The Dangers of Secret-Keeping in a Marriage: Broken Trust

Lies Compound

One of the reasons why secret-keeping in a marriage is so dangerous is because lies often compound. When people lie about things, it’s difficult to stop at just one lie. They often end up telling more lies to cover up the first one. Then, it becomes difficult to remember which half-truths and lies of omission they’ve even told. After all of that, revealing the truth can feel much harder because they also have to reveal all of the cover-ups and deception surrounding it.

Lack of Intimacy

Another reason why secret-keeping in a marriage can be unhealthy is because it can lead to a lack of intimacy. A lie can create an invisible barrier between you and your partner that might be difficult to overcome. It might make you feel uncomfortable being around them, or make you avoid certain topics. Your spouse will likely pick up on that discomfort and be confused and hurt about why you suddenly are distancing yourself from them.

Broken Trust

Broken trust is another danger of secret-keeping in a marriage. If your partner catches you in a lie, it can be difficult to overcome. It might shake their confidence in you and make them question what other things you might be lying to them about. Additionally, being lied to can lead to a lot of confidence issues. That broken trust in your marriage can fester and become a huge source of pain if you continue to deceive your partner.

Slippery Slope

Finally, lying in a marriage can be a slippery slope to other behaviors. Once you get over the initial discomfort of telling a lie, it becomes easier and easier to tell more. Then, it might become easier to fall into unhealthy habits, like infidelity. Secret-keeping in a marriage can be a slippery slope to things like affairs. Then, as the lies add up and become more and more intricate, the resulting damage when they are found out can be catastrophic to your marriage.

Everybody has a right to privacy in their relationships, however, secret-keeping in a marriage can be unhealthy. It can lead to more and more lies, a lack of intimacy, and broken trust. It can also result in unhealthy behaviors like covering up financial struggles, infidelity, or addiction. If you are feeling the need to keep secrets from your spouse, it’s important to discover where those feelings are coming from. Instead of lying, seek out professional help. A marriage counselor can allow you both to open up more, or private therapy can help you come to terms with why you are feeling ashamed to share your feelings with your partner. Being vulnerable with your partner can actually bring you much closer together and can end up making you an even stronger couple.

Moving On After Infidelity

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
If you and your spouse are in the process of moving on after infidelity, it’s important to be patient with one another. An affair can truly shake a relationship to its core. But if you have decided to forgive your partner and continue with the marriage, it’s important to establish some ground rules moving forward. Open communication will be incredibly important, as will setting boundaries for the relationship. It’s also helpful to work on building back your self-confidence as well. Finally, seek professional help through a therapist or marriage counselor. Hopefully, they can give you some useful tips for learning to rebuild that trust in your partner. While some couples don’t survive infidelity, others are able to work together to get through this difficult time and end up even stronger on the other side.

Moving On After Infidelity: Learning to Trust Again

Establish Open Communication

When moving on after infidelity, it’s important to establish a policy of open communication. It can be difficult to learn to trust your partner again after they cheat on you. Especially if it involved lying to you about their whereabouts or being secretive with their behavior. Working on your communication skills can help you ensure that you are each filling one another’s emotional cups in the future.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is also important when moving on after infidelity. While you might be able to move past this instance of cheating, your partner needs to understand that this is not the type of mistake that can happen more than once. Establish clear boundaries about what the consequences are if they cheat on you again. Additionally, it might be helpful to ensure that they and the person they cheated with break all contact.

Build Self-Confidence

Building up your self-confidence when moving on after infidelity can take some time. It’s easy for your self-esteem to take a hit if your partner cheats on you. But it’s important to remind yourself that you are not at fault. Still, it can take some time to get back your old confidence. Try out some new hobbies and set new goals for yourself. Reaching milestones can give you a boost of confidence.

Seek Professional Help

Finally, moving on after infidelity can be easier if you enlist the help of professionals. Marriage counseling can be hugely beneficial for you and your spouse. A counselor will help you rebuild your trust and can give you advice for navigating hardships in your relationship as well as communicating more effectively. However, it’s also helpful to see a therapist on your own to help with any residual trust or confidence issues. Moving on after an affair can be a process that takes some time. And it’s not usually a straight line. You might hit other bumps in the road along the way. However, if you and your spouse are determined to move past the cheating and make your marriage work, you’ll need to establish open communication from here on. You might also do well setting some boundaries for your relationship. Work on building back your self-confidence, and don’t be afraid to reach out and get professional help when you need it. Hopefully, you and your spouse will be able to move on from the affair and be able to rebuild your marriage even stronger than before.

The Benefits of Using “I Feel” Statements

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Using “I Feel” statements is a tactic that marriage counselors and mediators advocate for time and time again. When people argue, they are prone to using statements that place blame on the other party. During a divorce or mediation, this can create a toxic environment that makes your divorce even more contentious. Instead, opt to use statements starting with “I Feel” rather than “You” to help with more constructive conflict resolution. The idea is to be more assertive about your feelings while being less accusatory. When used properly, these statements can help you tackle disagreements more smoothly and hopefully, without escalating things further. If you and your ex are going through a difficult mediation or divorce, consider employing this powerful technique.

The Benefits of Using “I Feel” Statements in Conflict Resolution

What Are They?

The use of “I feel” statements comes from Thomas Gordon who originally applied the technique to children learning to associate emotions with actions. The idea is to explain how you’re feeling, rather than tackling a disagreement by placing blame on the other person. When we start an argument with “you always do such and such” it’s more likely to make the other person get defensive. Instead, saying “I feel hurt when you” might go more smoothly.

How to Use Them

When using “I feel” statements, it’s helpful to first identify an emotion, and then attach it to an issue. For example “I feel anxious when you stay out late without calling.” Then, add a call to action or a potential resolution. For example, “I feel anxious when you stay out late without calling. Can you please set a reminder in your phone to text me?” The resolution doesn’t have to work for both of you, but it’s a way of opening up a constructive conversation.

What’s the Point?

The point of “I feel” statements are to be able to help resolve conflict without things escalating because of the blame game. When we use phrases that start with accusations, it can feel like criticism. It makes the other person more likely to get defensive and dig in their heels more. In mediation or divorce court, it can lead to them becoming more contentious. The goal of using these types of statements is to be able to open up the lines of communication to find a resolution that works for both parties. Without increasing hostility.

Using Them in Mediation

Mediation is a great time to use “I feel” statements. Oftentimes, mediation fails because couples are too busy placing blame and accusations on one another. Things escalate and then each party begins making decisions out of resentment and pettiness. Instead, try employing “I feel” statements to keep tensions from boiling over. Hopefully, they will help you reach a compromise and will prevent the divorce from becoming more contentious. While it might sound silly at first, using “I feel” statements are a very popular conflict resolution tactic that many marriage counselors and family therapists employ. The statements allow each person to express their feelings without placing blame or accusations on the other person. Using “I feel” instead of “You” to begin sentences can help you express ideas without making your ex feel defensive. If you are going through mediation or the divorce process, you can employ this technique to try to minimize hostility with your ex. Hopefully, you can use these statements to calm the waters and make your divorce less stressful.

Getting Comfortable Talking About Money

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Getting comfortable talking about money with your spouse or significant other is readily important for the health of your relationship. Money is a huge part of life, and so if you plan to share your life with another person, money is bound to come up. Start the conversation early in your marriage, and keep checking in with each other frequently. The money conversation should be a big part of your life. Setting financial goals together can also bring you closer as a couple. You’ll be able to better understand what values you each have and what you both what your future to look like. While it can be awkward at first, having a money conversation with your spouse is an important part of building a strong foundation for your marriage.

Getting Comfortable Talking About Money with Your Partner

Why?

Getting comfortable talking about money with your spouse is important because, unfortunately, money is the root of a lot of problems in relationships. Having different views about spending and saving is okay, as long as you both are aware of it. And are comfortable having conversations about it. When one partner is “in charge” of the money and the other is unaware of your financial health, it can also lead to problems in your marriage. You should both have a clear picture of your finances.

Start Early

It’s important to start getting comfortable talking about money early in your relationship. Even before you marry. Make sure that you and your partner have financial goals and visions of the future that align with one another. If you find that you are very different in your approaches to finances, speaking with a couples counselor can be very helpful in opening up the lines of communication.

Check-In Frequently

It’s also important to continually check in with your partner when it comes to your finances. You should be having many conversations in a year about your finances so that you both know exactly where things stand. Don’t let the money conversation only be a topic when things are tight or when you’re both stressed. Instead, keep talking about money throughout your marriage.

Set Goals Together

Finally, setting financial goals together can help you with getting comfortable talking about money together. When you talk about your future, it can bring you closer because you’ll learn what sorts of things your partner values. Plus, you’ll each have a hand in building that future you both want. You can set short-term goals like saving for a new couch or long-term goals like saving for retirement or anniversary vacations. Getting comfortable talking about money with your spouse can help you avoid financial-related drama and arguments later on down the road. Finances are often a major factor in couples deciding to divorce. And a lot of times, it’s because they never really got on the same page with discussing finances. Set yourselves up for success by starting the conversation about your finances early on in your relationship. Check in together frequently so that you’re both on the same page with where you stand with money. And finally, set financial goals together and plan for your future. Don’t let finances be a source of conflict in your relationship.

Marriage Counseling Techniques

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
There are many marriage counseling techniques that you can bring into your everyday life to strengthen your relationship. While going to therapy is the most helpful thing, if that’s not doable now, you can try at-home practices with these tried-and-true methods for increasing intimacy. Improve your communication with reflective listening, or explore each other’s love languages. Learning conflict resolution is very important for any relationship, especially a marriage. And sometimes, exploring childhood trauma through methods like Imago therapy can help you better understand your partner. Hopefully, you can use some of these techniques to strengthen your marriage and explore deeper parts of your relationship.

Marriage Counseling Techniques to Strengthen Your Relationship

Reflective Listening

While everybody knows that it’s important to be a good listener, one of the marriage counseling techniques that is quite helpful is learning to reflectively listen. This means that as your partner is talking, you can reflect on them your understanding. Actively listen to what they’re saying, and engage back with questions or discussion. You can also practice “I” language, which means stating things from your point of view rather than as observations. For example, you might say “I feel hurt when I say that” instead of “You shouldn’t say that.”

Love Languages

Exploring your love languages is another of the marriage counseling techniques that you can easily incorporate into your relationship. The idea is that everybody has a specific way of expressing and receiving affection. It might be through words of affirmation, gifts, spending quality time, acts of service, or being physically tough. Understanding your partner’s love language can help you both better communicate your affection for one another.

Conflict Resolution

One of the main reasons why people seek out therapists is to find marriage counseling techniques for conflict resolution. Often, it’s helpful to put yourself in your partner’s shoes to try to empathize with why they are feeling the way they are. Taking some time to reflect on the bigger picture of your lives together to decide if a fight is worth dwelling on, or finding compromises that work for both are also helpful ways to resolve conflict.

Imago Therapy

Finally, one of the marriage counseling techniques that can be explored a little bit at home is the Imago therapy method. This method is based on the idea that childhood experiences can influence our decisions as adults. Together, you and your partner can explore your childhoods to deepen your understanding of one another and hopefully, bring you closer. Marriage counseling is one of the best resources for a couple to strengthen their relationship. Whether you’re going through a rough patch or are feeling confident in your marriage, a therapist can still help you better communicate with one another. However, you can also practice some marriage counseling techniques together at home like practicing reflective listening. Or explore your love languages together – you can even take a quiz online to find out what your languages are. Working on conflict resolution and exploring your childhoods can also bring you closer as a couple. Whether it’s smooth sailing or rough waters in your marriage, counseling can be hugely beneficial in giving you the tools to make your relationship last.

Making the Most of Mediation

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Mediation is a step that many couples take that can help prevent them from facing a full divorce trial in court. Agreeing to terms in mediation can help you keep costs lower and can expedite things. To make it successful, it’s important to remember to look at the bigger picture and not get bogged down by petty details. However, not all couples can settle their disagreements. So for some, mediation is a step along the way to divorce court. If you do decide to move forward with litigation, having an experienced attorney by your side can help you get the settlement you deserve.

Making the Most of Mediation: Getting What You Need

Mediation vs. Litigation

Mediation is a meeting between you and your soon-to-be-ex where you try to agree on your settlement amicably. A mediator will be there to facilitate things and make sure that arguments don’t escalate. If you and your ex cannot agree, you can move forward with litigation and go to a divorce trial where a judge will decide for you.

Benefits

There are a lot of benefits to mediation over litigation. You’ll have more control and say over things during a mediation session than you do in court. Additionally, it can save you a ton of money because it typically takes much less time than a trial. This can also be less traumatic for you and any children involved with custody issues.

Looking at the Bigger Picture

If you are trying to make mediation successful, it’s important to let go of the idea of “winning” the divorce. The goal is to come to an agreement that both parties can live with and that feels fair to each. Try to focus on the bigger picture and let go of petty squabbles. Don’t hold up negotiations for something that you don’t care about just to spite your ex. Instead, try to remember that if you can agree outside of court, you’ll both save money and time.

When Mediation Fails

While mediation can be a great solution for some couples, it doesn’t work for everybody. If you and your spouse have an especially contentious break-up, or if you simply don’t see eye to eye on issues, you’ll likely need to go to court. The most beneficial thing you can do is hire an experienced attorney to represent your interests. They’ll help you organize everything, put together a strong case, and negotiate on your behalf to get you the best settlement possible. Mediation can be a great solution for some couples so that they can avoid the hassle and money of divorce court. It can save you a lot of time and can be much less stressful. To make the most of mediation, try to keep your eyes on the bigger prize of amicable resolution rather than focusing on trying to beat your ex in court. Remember that you are trying to find compromises that work for you both. However, mediation doesn’t always work, and you might end up going to divorce court. If this is the case, boost your chances of getting a great settlement by hiring an experienced divorce attorney to represent your interests. Hopefully, you and your ex can resolve things quickly and amicably to avoid the stress of court.

Potential Signs of Infidelity in Your Marriage

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Looking for potential signs of infidelity in your marriage can get you into trouble. While nobody wants to be blindsided by a cheating spouse, it’s also important not to jump to conclusions. There are lots of reasons why your partner might be changing their routine. However, if you notice lots of these signs together, it could be a red flag. For example, if you see changes in their personality or their schedule. Or if you catch them in lies. Finally, if your gut is telling you something is wrong, dig a little deeper. The best way to figure out if a partner is being unfaithful is to have an honest conversation with them. Hopefully, your fears are unfounded and there is a completely benign reason for any concerning behavior.

Potential Signs of Infidelity in Your Marriage: Red Flags

Warning

Before you go looking for potential signs of infidelity, it’s important to remember that none of these indicators are foolproof. There are lots of reasons why a spouse might change their routine or be displaying personality changes that have nothing to do with cheating. Don’t jump to conclusions or condemn them without digging deeper and finding out for sure whether or not your feelings are justified.

Changes in Personality or Routine

One of the first potential signs of infidelity might be that you notice a change in personality or routine. For example, if your partner is suddenly on a health kick, or mentions a new “friend” at work in every conversation. Or if they suddenly seem distant, guilty, or on edge. If they begin staying late or working unusual hours, it can also be a reason to dig deeper.

Lying

Another potential sign of infidelity is if you catch your spouse in a lie. If they lie to you about their whereabouts, for example, it can be a potentially bad sign. Or if you sense that they are lying about who they’re spending time with. If they suddenly get overly protective of you using their phone or computer, it might be they are hiding something.

Your Gut Feeling

Finally, one of the most important potential signs of infidelity is your gut feeling. If your instincts are telling you that something is wrong with your marriage, it probably is. It may or may not be cheating, but it needs to be addressed either way. While your gut feeling certainly isn’t proof, it’s worth listening to. There are a lot of potential signs of infidelity that you might spot in your marriage over the years. However, none of these are definitive proof that your spouse is cheating. If you have a sense that there is infidelity, it’s important to sit down and have an honest conversation to get to the bottom of things. Try not to jump to conclusions until you know for sure whether or not your partner is cheating. If you notice concerning behaviors like changes in routine, changes in personality, or lies, it can be alarming. And if your gut is telling you that something is off, it can be stressful. However, it’s important to find out the truth before taking any drastic measures. Hopefully, there is nothing wrong and you and your spouse can move forward with more honest and open communication.

Talking to Your Therapist About Abuse

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

Talking to your therapist about abuse in your marriage or relationship can be painful but helpful. If you are dealing with past trauma, they can help you come to terms with it and find ways to minimize the emotional scars. If the abuse is ongoing, they can give you advice on how to de-escalate situations and get yourself to safety. Your therapist must maintain confidentiality, so it’s safe to tell them. However, don’t tell half-truths or lies if you want therapy to be effective. Opening up can be painful, but take it at your own pace. And finally, if you are feeling discomfort, talk to your therapist about it. Or figure out if it’s time to find somebody new to talk to. Hopefully, they can give you advice to help you safely exit the relationship to keep yourself safe from abuse.

Talking to Your Therapist About Abuse: Confidentiality and Comfort

Confidentiality

Talking to your therapist about abuse is confidential, as long as it does not actively involve a child. Therapists have to report concerns if they fear that you are in danger of hurting yourself. Or if they suspect child abuse or crime. However, if you want to be sure, ask them about their confidentiality policies. You don’t ever have to fear that word will get back to your abuser, though.

Don’t Tell Lies

When talking to your therapist about abuse, it’s important to be completely truthful. Don’t tell lies, omit important details, or tell half-truths. This won’t give your therapist the information they need to truly help you. If you want your therapy to be as effective as possible, then you’ll need to be completely honest.

Opening Up

It can be painful and uncomfortable when talking to your therapist about abuse in your relationship. Take things at your own pace, and go as slowly as you need to. Your therapist should be able to help you navigate this conversation at a pace that feels comfortable to you. Just remember that the more you open up, the more helpful they can be.

Discomfort

Finally, if you are experiencing a lot of discomforts when talking to your therapist about abuse in your marriage, it might be a sign that it’s not a great fit between you. You can talk to them about your discomfort and see if that helps reduce the tension. However, if you don’t feel completely comfortable about being vulnerable with your therapist, it might be time to find a new one.

Talking to your therapist about abuse in your marriage is one way to help reduce the emotional scars that come from this form of trauma. In addition, they can help you navigate the abuse to hopefully exit the relationship safely and de-escalate situations at home. Your therapist will keep everything you tell them in strict confidence in most situations, and you can always discuss their confidentiality policy ahead of time. Be fully honest with them if you want to get the most out of your sessions, and go as slowly as you need to when telling your story. Finally, if you are feeling uncomfortable, it might be a sign that you should have a conversation with your therapist or even begin the search for somebody that is a better fit. Hopefully, they can help you navigate this tough situation.

Controlling Spouse: Signs of Abuse

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves

One thing which is important to remember is that an abusive relationship doesn’t just have to be physical. Emotional abuse is very serious, and commonly comes in the form of a controlling spouse. Knowing some indicators of this attempted control can help you better see if they’re reflected in your own marriage…

Controlling Spouse: Potential Signs

Social isolation

One thing a controlling spouse might do is isolate you socially. People who try and control others are keen to try and limit their time spent with others. This is because they might be jealous, or worry others will threaten their control over you. Due to this, they’ll try and cut them out of your life.

This isolation can apply to both your friends and family. It might start off slowly, like with them getting annoyed when you go out with friends or see family. Eventually, it could escalate into them telling you that you can’t go out at all. When this starts happening, it’s a clear sign they’re trying to control you.

Manipulating emotions

A controlling spouse also tends to be emotionally manipulative. They may do this in a few different ways. One way is by constantly criticizing you in an effort to lower your self-esteem, while making acceptance conditional. For example, they may only give you praise when you do something specifically for them.

Guilt-tripping is also another way they might manipulate you. They’ll do this by making you feel guilty for things you do, even if they aren’t wrong or are outside of your control. If you feel emotionally beholden to them, then they can really begin to control you.

Privacy invasion

Privacy invasion is also something a controlling spouse will do. They want to keep tabs on what you’re doing at all times, leaving you with no sense of privacy. They could try and track your social media activity, or constantly call and text asking where you are. Sometimes, they may even go through your phone or computer when you aren’t looking.

Not only does this show their controlling nature, but it also shows they don’t trust you. Mutual trust is important for any relationship. A lack of trust, combined with this sort of control, indicates potential future problems.

Prenuptial and Postnuptial Agreements

Posted on by Robert J. Reeves
Prenuptial and postnuptial agreements are very similar in many ways. Both are legal contracts that protect a couple financially in the event of a divorce. However, prenuptial agreements are for couples that are about to wed, while postnuptial agreements are for couples that have already. Both of the agreements can outline what happens to assets and properties after a couple gets a divorce. However, no matter which type of agreement you’re deciding on, speaking to an experienced attorney is the first step to take. They can help ensure that the agreement is legal and binding and make sure that you protect yourself in the case of a divorce.

Prenuptial and Postnuptial Agreements: Who Needs What

Prenups

Prenuptial and postnuptial agreements are similar in their substance, however, you use them at different times. A prenuptial agreement happens before marriage. Many couples use them if one spouse is coming into the marriage with considerably more assets than the other. They can protect you if your partner brings a lot of debt to the marriage. They can even protect children from previous marriages. If a couple cannot agree on a prenuptial agreement, they might decide not to proceed with the marriage.

Postnuptial Agreement

In contrast, a postnuptial agreement is used after a couple gets married, so it’s too late to call off the wedding at that point. However, prenuptial and postnuptial agreements still cover similar things. For example, they can outline what happens to assets in the case of divorce. They can cover things like spousal support and what happens to debt.

When to Use Each

While prenuptial and postnuptial agreements are similar, it’s important to know when to use each. Couples that did not get prenuptial might later get postnuptial if they are married. A postnuptial might be helpful if one partner has a sudden windfall. For example, if they inherit a large sum of money. In addition, it can protect a spouse if their husband or wife has reckless spending habits and is accumulating large debts.

Creating an Agreement

Both prenuptial and postnuptial agreements need to be written by an experienced attorney. They can help ensure that the agreement is legal and enforceable. Contact an attorney to help you figure out exactly what to include in your agreement so that you are protecting yourself as much as possible.

Prenuptial and postnuptial agreements are both legal documents that can outline what happens to a couple’s assets in the event of a divorce. And both of them are a great way to protect yourself financially in the event of your marriage ending. However, they differ because a prenuptial agreement is for couples that are about to marry, and a postnuptial is for those that are already in a marriage. You can use either one to protect your assets and any children from a previous marriage, and guard yourself against your partner’s debt. If you are wanting to create either a prenuptial or postnuptial agreement, you’ll want to contact an experienced attorney. They can ensure that you include everything you need to protect yourself as much as possible.